Santa requested to begin his exclusive Santa’s Column early this year! We’re positively delighted with the news and welcome Santa, who has been hibernating since January, back to the world of the living and hope he’s ready to provide our readers with vibrant, charming, and uplifting tales of the run up to Christmas 2017. What joy! What absolute joy!
Ho ho ho, everyone! I’m back and more enthusiastic than ever as Christmas 2017 should be the best Christmas ever! How can I be so sure of this? Well it seems like my efforts in life could finally all be coming to fruition and the Santa brand is secured for the future indefinitely. It’s great news for us all!
Santa is big business and, as a living and breathing brand, I decided to capitalise on my stock market potential by rebranding as the Santa Administration Corp. Kiddie winkles can rest assured I’ve not turned into a heartless, money earning, corporate machine, I’m simply intending to acquire more wealth so I can pay my subordinates a decent wage (plus, there’s a speedboat I really, really like the look of).
Last year, I lost 150 elves to starvation as my offered wage package of 10p a week and a frozen carrot for a monthly bonus didn’t seem to cut it in terms of keeping them alive. This year, I’m providing them with 20p a week and manure from the reindeer so they can have an effective garden where they can grow more carrots, potatoes, and whatever else they want. I’ve made them all watch the Martian starring Matt Damon so they know how to do this. Problem solved.
The Santa Administration Corp has dabbled with nuclear power in the past to feed my factory with the power it needs to generate billions of toys. The nuclear fallout from that disastrous idea is still in effect, so we’ve Gone Green for 2017 and are using a mixture of thermal, wind, and solar energy to harness the Earth’s resources in order to generate Buzz Lightyear toys etc.
My first course of action was to install 3,000 wind turbines in the local vicinity around the factory. This has created a few issues as, in order to meet power demands, I’ve loosened the nuts in the turbines so the blades spin at a higher velocity, which generates more precious electricity. Unfortunately, this means the blades spin at a terrifying rate and there have already been multiple decapitations amongst my elves (who are obliged to service them).
In addition to this, the turbine models I bought aren’t the best available and the shoddy workmanship has created issues. In short, blades keep coming off and flying into the air which, as you might be able to understand, is remarkably dangerous. Indeed, a team of delegates visiting to sign into shares of Santa Administration Corp last week was entirely pulverised when one errant turbine blade smashed onto their Rolls Royce, killing everyone in a Hellish inferno. That was a $10 million day, I can tell you but, thankfully, there are plenty of wealthy imbeciles ready and willing to throw cash at me.
Having invested $300 million into solar panels, though, I found this may have backfired as there isn’t much sun around the North Pole. Very little of it, in fact, as its usually dark here most of the day. This is clearly one of Santa’s little errors but, never fear, I’m on to a fix and intend to melt down all 1,000 solar panels and use this material to create new turbine blades for mechanical replacements. Santa has the smarts, you see!
The Christmas Push!
Just to be clear, Santa usually wakes up in October but, due to the population explosion (i.e. imbeciles going at it like rabbits) there are some 30 billion presents which need making over the next four months. Santa has hit the sherry hard already, which is why I’m in SUCH A JOVIAL mood ahead of the stress and difficulties ahead.
I’ll be documenting this struggle for all of you in real-time over the coming months so, if you want to get your Christmas list in early to me, now is the time! It tends to get a bit manic from October onwards and last year we had kids who’d asked for a PS4 receiving a partially decapitated elf, which led to a bit of a kerfuffle. Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!