Telephones are everywhere these days. Your average moron in the street now can’t even walk anywhere without staring mindlessly into their smartphone, like that kid the other morning who Mr. Wapojif almost walked into as the aforementioned kid was too wrapped up in his little oblivious world. The oblivious little git!
Anyway, we can’t do anything about that, but what we can do is make a quick buck by making the telephone even more convenient for the male of the species. Most men have to shave. Most men find shaving annoying. The result? Let the contemporary male yammer on his smartphone, pick up ladies off Tinder, and post comments such as “oi m8 i was wasted last night” to Facebook… all whilst shaving his face! Genius. Sheer genius.
The Telephone Razorblade
The design is simple enough – a telephone with a giant cutthroat razor attached to the side. Thusly, as the person waxes lyrical, they can move it around their face to shave away the bum fluff, stubble, beard, or Hipster beard they are currently sporting.
Obviously, it’s important not to rush the phone up to your face quickly, otherwise you might sever your jugular and bleed out pretty rapidly. On the plus side, you’d be able to call for the emergency services instantaneously, thusly saving yourself precious seconds. You wouldn’t get that with your smartphone now, would you?!
The telephone razor isn’t all about severe injury and death by exsanguination, though! It exists to combine social activities and to make you look your best – just imagine talking to your girlfriend/wife, flirting away (i.e. “Hey babe, you free for a Pot Noodle and talking about how great I am?”), then slicing off a few stray beard hairs from ones neck between taking selfies, leering at other women on social media, and ordering some new skinny jeans.
The Telephone Nail Clipper
Subsequent products in this range will also include the telephone nail clipper. Rejoice! You can on, for instance, public transport abruptly end a phone call, yank your shoes off, remove your stinks (sorry… socks – that was a typo), and clip off your protruding nails thanks to the ingenious telephone nail clipper! Never mind the disgusted looks of disgust from fellow commuters as your nail clippings go shooting across the floor, you’re preening yourself magnificently.
Also in the works at the Professional Moron R&D department are the telephone grater (so you grate cheese whilst talking to your friends about your pathetic existence), the telecomb (to style thy hairdo), the telephone wig (so if you don’t have any hair you can wear a wig and chat to people), and the telephone gun. The latter will keep you super safe should you be accosted by hoodlums. You know the types. Dumb sorts with tattoos of anchors and swearwords like “The Bastard”. You don’t impress me, the bastard, I’ve got a telephone gun! He’d be running for the hills.