Although we don’t have much hair anymore at Professional Moron, we still have over two decades of getting our haircut experience to recover from. We believe it’s a bit different for women, but your average guy (certainly all the ones we’ve talked to about it) positively hate getting their haircut. Sitting there as some weirdo gazes at your scalp for 20 minutes… truly, it’s the nadir of any grown man’s life.

It seems to be the other way around for many women – at his real job, Mr. Wapojif knows of a lady who spent four hours at the hairdresser, and spent over £100, for results she was mortified about, even though all was fine. Four hours?! No man could survive such a thing! Thusly, we got to thinking about how to improve the hairdressing industry for the better.

Getting Hair-sterical (hysterical)

Why is hair important, anyway? Evolutionary theorists (i.e. madmen who think humans evolved from monkeys, bananas, and coleslaw) suggest we were once all covered in hair. We can only assume hairdressers must have had booming businesses back in the past with all the extra custom. We’re surprised they haven’t sued science due to lost earnings. Maybe they should shake things up with…

Chainsaws

Scissors are so goddamn slow and fiddly. Surely a far speedier method of hair removal would be with the humble chainsaw? You get the excitement factor, too. Behold as your 5’2″ hairdresser, Barbara, revs up that mother and begins swinging the roaring monstrosity to and fro, searing your hair from your beloved head. A perfect solution.

Nuclear Waste

Rubbing the remnants of nuclear stuff into an individual’s scalp is a fantastic way to skip the whole scissor usage thing. Indeed, it’ll melt the old hair stuff right away and leave an individual with an unsightly scalp festering with horrific sores. Hey, just as well it’s hat weather!

Rats

Rats like chewing things. Smear a load of KFC sauce all over your do and let them, with all the care and consideration of a hair professional, savage your skull until it features the hue of red.

Sharks

Yes, when you next need a haircut, why not head to the coast of Australia? Smear your head with chum, dip it on into the water, and wait for a great white to turn up and style your do into something resembling that bit from Jaws with Quint but, hopefully, without the screaming. Unless it’s girlish screams along the lines of, “Gosh, isn’t my new hairdo just, like, super?”.

Sledgehammers

Lie on down so the hair you don’t want is over to one side in a straight line and then get your barber/hairdresser to slam a sledgehammer down onto the hair you want to lose. Safe, certain, and you can sue the barber/hairdresser if they make a mistake and accidentally pulverise your brain basket.

Flamethrowers

Save time – just flamethrow the lot! Yes, remove your hair from your scalp and perfect the smouldering look you so crave. Please note: this method may also result in some third-degree burns. In the event of this, apply bandages.

And finally… Marmalade

Why even bother with a haircut, anyway? We mean, just smear a load of marmalade over your head and style from there. If you’re blonde then this will naturally suit you, if not you can just claim to be a fashion icon inspired by Lady Gaga, or whatever. Plus, if you’re out and about and get hungry then you hand grab a quick snack – nip into a store and get some bread, then rub a slice against your head. Consume and enjoy. Just carry a flamethrower around to fend off others keen on getting your marmalade head. Not cool, thieves. Not cool.