So I joined Twitter because, apparently, this is important. I was a bit on the fence about this, although the fence I was on broke as I am morbidly obese and I smashed my skull on the cold, hard, and bleak North Polean floor. When I awoke, I had an epiphany. People look up to Santa. I am Santa. Here’s a great opportunity to become a thought leader in my field. Yes. Yes! YES!

Santa & Twitter: Match Made in Heaven

I fired up my account and put my most handsome profile picture up (my big bushy beard will make anyone weak at the knees, I’m sure), then I began Tweeting. Within an hour I had 30 million followers as news spread Santa was online and ready to Tweet.

I began my time on the social media platform Tweeting inspirational comments such as “Santa knows you’ll be a good little boy (or girl) this year!” and “Santa loves you all! Hugs! xxxx”. Unfortunately, after I started drinking, things took a bit of a turn for the worse as I became a tad more nihilistic. For instance, check out this verbatim Tweet I sent at 3am yesterday:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Yikes! Really maxing out the 140 character limit, eh?! That takes some skill, but I was clearly in a bit of distress. How do I know? Well, there were a series of other Tweets following on from the above crammed with profanity, bigotry, and invective. I don’t consider myself an angry person, but something within my subconscious is getting fed up with me being so calm, patient, and understanding.

Trolls

Santa has already had a lot of trolls bothering me. Twitter is notorious for harvesting an angry horde of imbeciles ready to engage in the deindividuation the internet enables for feeble minds. It’s the usual stuff: death threats, flame wars, and caustic remarks. Santa reacted to the trolls with FURY! Take this verbatim flame war with @SantaSuxxx. He started it all with this message:

@RealSantaClaus i tink dat santa claus iz a gay noob who sux lol

Santa Claus knows how to deal with such cretins. This is the level-headed response of mine:

@SantaSuxxx Now you listen here. That constitutes naughty behaviour, which means you won't be getting any presents!

I think you’ll agree Santa handled this one rather well there, although this didn’t stop SantaSuxxx from responding with another glib remark:

@RealSantaClaus lol u mad bro roflmao

I’m not sure what that means, so I made this clear:

@SantaSuxxx I do not know what you mean, young man.

Apparently, I got his gender wrong and he corrected this:

@SantaSuxxx im a girl u stupid dummy. why u so dumb dumbo?! lol

Of course, I was not going to stand for that:

@SantaSuxxx Do you want to burn in the fires of Hell, you little s***!? SANTA WILL DESTROY YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I expected, this riled SantaSuxxx considerably:

@RealSantaClaus like i give a f*** u fat turd lol

I’ve always been a bit self-conscious about my weight, so I admit this one hit a raw nerve:

@SantaSuxxx Apologise immediately or face the consequences of my immense wrath!

She responded with:

@RealSantaClaus get bent dude lol

I lost my temper at this point, unfortunately, as I’d started hitting the bottle:

@SantaSuxxx NO PRESENTS AT ALL FOR YOU EVER AGAIN, YOU JUMPED UP PIECE OF DOG CRAP! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

This didn’t seem to bother SantaSuxx, though. What is it with these freaks? They seem impervious to my power, wealth, and big bushy beard:

@RealSantaClaus lol wotevs bro

Banned

Ultimately, I was banned from Twitter due to “increasingly aggressive” verbal behaviour which bordered on “incitement to riot”. I told the Twitter lot to go take a hike, of course, but now my account has been shut down… I accepted this calmly (for about 10 seconds) before hurling my laptop through my living room window, punching a hole in the nearest wall with a headbutt, and tipping my armchair over.

After this, I went on a marathon drinking binge and was caught at 4am riding naked on an iceberg whilst singing that song from Titanic. A police helicopter was called out and I was treated in hospital for early stage hypothermia. I was released by midday and have since accepted Twitter just may not be for me, it probably exacerbates my temper problems. So, I’ll give Instagram a go to alleviate my chronic narcissism.