Exclusive Recipe: Beans on Proust (a literature-based lunch!)

A novel, which could be edible
Oh, look… it’s lunch!

Got a few editions of Swann’s Way laying about the place you don’t need? Today’s recipe will ensure you can be cleared of your Proust problems by tucking in to a hearty and healthy meal! With beans on Proust, you’ve got a new delicacy with which to wow people when on a date, having a dinner party, or as a head turner at literary conventions.

Inspired by beans on toast, the author Marcel Proust, and hunger pangs, this recipe is not only delicious but, by consuming the literature, you will imbibe the words and become a better writer (this is possibly how it works). Failing all of this, you will at least simply slake your hunger pangs. Hurray!

Beans on Proust

Now we know what you’re thinking and, simply put, don’t worry – we did our research and found it’s probably unlikely you can get yourself killed by eating a novel. We had our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, try it out of course and all that happened to him was he was left in extreme discomfort for several days afterwards. He even proclaimed: “My god… I’m not eating that crap ever again!”. Now there’s a ringing endorsement.

To make this splendid and cultured meal, you simply take a spare copy of one of Proust’s books (*ahem*), rinse it under a tap for cleanliness reasons, and then dump it on a plate. This is your “toast”, as it were, so you can slather the book with butter, margarine, mayonnaise, or whatever else takes your fancy.

Next up, cook the baked beans! Get them bubbling away nicely in and pan and, perhaps at this point, put on a monocle or pince-nez to take the refinement factory up another notch. Gosh, didn’t you look like a sophisticate! Now, dump the beans out onto your slathered up novel and voila – it’s beans on Proust!

Novel Cutting Knife

Naturally, you may find it almost impossible to hack into a big old book with just a standard old butter knife. Indeed, it can get frustrating quite quickly – Mr. Wapojif sat there for many minutes hacking away and was reduced to tears. He said: “I just want my beans on Proust! Why is life so hard?!” – never fear, Mr. Wapojif, help is at hand!

Indeed, with a trusty hacksaw you can tuck in with the minimum of problems. Simply slice the novel up and delight in the unique tastes at hand – just be careful not to accidentally saw off a limb. Jigsaw is currently out in cinemas and you may get yourselves a bit confused about your ultimate intentions – you are not in a life or death situation which requires lopping off a limb. No. You’re simply enjoying a spot of lunch.

Now, munching down on a book is helped along by the overall baked beans sauce, but you will find the occasional jagged bit of paper ripping up your windpipe something rotten. Try not to be too alarmed by this. Additionally, don’t panic either when the ink from the pages clogs up your veins and leads you to hallucinate wildly about dancing dinosaurs. This will pass rapidly, especially as you’ll be passed out for several hours after consuming this delicious meal.


  1. You are filled with the most exciting adventures, I am such a fan of Proust, I have often dreamed of diving into a brilliant dish of his parody “L’Affaire Lemoine” (forget tableware) so on your suggestion I did just that. I think this will stay with me for a long time.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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