Exclusive Invention: The School Bull (better than a school bell)

A bull
The school bull can smell skiving from 17 miles away!

Concluding our glorious trilogy of bull-related posts (check out the doorbull and the alarm bull for other bell-related bull advances), today we have the school bull. It’s so much more convenient, and effective, than a paltry school bell! The education system will be reformed with this, as it’s about time unnecessarily terrifying disciplinary measures we’re reintroduced to British schools.

The school bull is the official bull for a respective school. It’s, essentially, a mediator of any given school’s grounds and will parade around looking officious, will charge anyone it deems to be skiving, and it’ll bellow loudly at the start, and end of, class. Professional Moron will train this beast for your school at a charge of but a mere £100,000. Please send in your applications via email.

The School Bull

There’s nothing quite as stirring as seeing a proud, ferocious bull parading around outside one’s classroom window as one attempts to master fundamental algebra. That sense of fear as you concern yourself with the possibility of getting a D and being gored for your dismal efforts. Worse still, if you’re still using “your” instead of the contraction “you’re” in your final year… it doesn’t bull [bear] thinking about!

The problem these days, of course, is PC standards have ensured it’s the children and parents who rule the classroom and not the teachers, headteachers, or bulls. This is a situation which has occurred as bulls, simply put, haven’t been used in classrooms since, like, antiquity (probably), when bulls would nod learnedly and instruct children how to hold their quill correctly. Since bulls have stopped being used, kids have become unruly, petulant, and happier. This is a disgusting state of affairs!

By reintroducing bulls to the education programme, it’s apparent children will be too terrified to do anything except stay indoors and study. This can only be beneficial for the future of humanity, which is all thanks to the sterling efforts of male bulls (as opposed to female bulls). Indeed.

“This is Utter Bulls…”

Following a press release announcing this announcement, a horde of outraged parents gathered outside of the Professional Moron office and began pelting our building with eggs, cow pats, and slurry. This childish display merely highlights the school bull is the right thing to do – the only way to achieve logical reform is through provocations and radical new concepts. Just ask Sandra Bullock, who invented bulls, for clarification.

NB: After we went to press with this education reform, the uk press really got on its high horse and began lambasting professional moron, accusing us of being immoral, dangerous, and moronic. This has led our esteemed editor, Mr. wapojif, to release another announcement ANNOUNCING HIS DENOUNCEMENT oF the british press, the general public, and general generality. This reads below, verbatim:
"The British press, parents, and everyone else, can sod off. You people is dumb and Sandra Bullock agrees with me*. End statement.

* This is a lie. We contacted Sandra Bullock about her history with bovines, but she refused to respond. We are taking this lack of confirmation as confirmation our policy is correct.


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