Exclusive Invention: The Ovan (an oven which is also a van)

The inside of an oven
How many times have you heard the following? “I like this oven, but I shan’t buy it as it’s not attached to a van!” – exactly!

Ovens are pretty handy if you’re baking things such as a cake, but the rest of the time they just sit around moodily in kitchens across the world being unhelpful. You cannot, for instance, pour yourself some cornflakes in the morning and stick them in the oven for 10 minutes. They’d catch fire and set off your fire alarm. This would be disastrous.

Thankfully, we’ve invented the ovan to accommodate for this unattended state of affairs. This is a perfectly functioning oven with temperatures capable of 1,001 degrees! It’s inserted into the backside of those hippy vans from the ’60s (the Volkswagen Type 2, using correct car industry lexicon) and, as you go about your duties, can be driven around everywhere with you. How convenient!

The Ovan

As with many Professional Moron inventions, convenience is all-important. Even above the public’s safety. So long as time is being saved, it doesn’t matter if severe injuries are left unaccounted for, or if you cause a motorway pileup as you were too busy multitasking – steering whilst keeping an eye on your breakfast omelette baking away. It’s a fine art!

The ovan is just as it sounds. The oven is stuffed into the rear of the van and runs off the van’s petrol. Now, we know what you’re thinking, having live flames near petrol isn’t the best idea! Thankfully, after thorough testing in the production phase which left several of us severely burned, we’ve worked out a fuel system which ensures random outbursts of uncontrollable fire are now quite scarce.

Thusly, you can drive safely to work happy in the knowledge, during your lunch break, you’ll be able to bake up whatever you please! Wow your colleagues with a freshly baked loaf of bread, or a cake, or some roast potatoes! Then when the day is done, you can drive home with a sanctimonious grin on your face, safe in the knowledge you’re the best human being on this here Earth.

Danger & Destruction

The product is now available to buy, but we’ve had a few incidents which were caught up in a media whirlwind of bad press. We’d like to quell any fears you may have about our product. For a start, the news item about one man late for work who decided to bake an omelette at 1,000 degrees, resulting in a catastrophic explosion which took out a fifth of his neighbourhood, is unfounded and inaccurate.

We’re not suggesting the explosion didn’t happen. There’s an enormous hole in the ground where it did, should you want to see it. What we’re stating is users should exercise caution when using the ovan. As with any oven, it gets a bit hot and, without due care and attention, your entire life could come crumbling down around you in a hellish ball of flames. Is it worth that for a delicious omelette? Perhaps, but if you read the safety instructions provided with your ovan, you should remain third degree burn free for the foreseeable future.

Also in the news was the story of the man, so caught up was he in the preparation (NB: DO YOUR PREP BEFORE YOU SET OFF! Slicing potatoes whilst driving at speeds of over 50mph is not advisable) and baking of some sweet potato wedges, who drove in the wrong direction down the M1 motorway.

This caused considerable mayhem and he was later arrested at work, but he did, apparently, remark: “Best damn potato wedges I ever did taste! I highly recommend Professional Moron’s exceptional ovan. It cooks food up a treat! Available at all good retail stores and car warehouses from prices as little as £40,000!” – you heard it here first from Mr. Smith, who is now serving several consecutive life sentences in the name of delicious sweet potato wedges.


  1. Marvel of marvels. I have been longing for something like this for a long time. I think you are overcautious and need someone in your marketing department to keep a lid ….to make sure the most accurate information is distributed. No fake news spilling out about the Ovan (or what we might want to call the “gold mine”). Imagine a chocolate souffle awaiting you for the drive home from work. Let’s not concern anyone with the Summer issues of the Ovan, what they don’t know will not hurt the Ovan manufacturer.


  2. Well, I love sweet potato wedges! You know that they clock in at a slim 1/3 of the calories as an ordinary potato?
    This holds true for the fattening Yukon Gold, Red or classic White potato.
    But back to the point of this article, the OVAN! Oboy, what an invention! I could also see it in the rear of a hearse.
    I don’t think I need to expand on the promise of this premise.
    Unfortunately, I can’t afford to buy one, but let me know if you attach one to the rear of a skateboard. That could be more in line with my financial capabilities.

    Liked by 1 person

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