Shaking things up today, we are! It’s an exclusive recipe AND invention – proper ZOMG, right? This is a real humdinger, too, for it’s rhubarbed wire – barbed wire made out of rhubarb! Incredible, yes? Why this has so many uses, it’s untrue. It’ll keep hooligans out of your home, plus you could also take the stuff and make something exceptional like rhubarbed wire crumble. It’s a big hit with former inmates out on parole (because it reminds them of home)!

Why have we invented this? Barbed wire is one of those things you look at and think “I could get over that, no problem!”, but then shred yourself ragged in an attempt that lands you in hospital. We’d prefer a more, how you say, Politically Correct version of barbed wire – we briefly thought about barbed wire made out of nuclear waste, but then settled on good old rhubarb instead. Here we go.

Rhubarbed Wire

Barbed wire is usually placed around things other people don’t want you to get into, such as Barbie doll factories. Indeed, barbed wire was invented specifically to keep maniacs away from Barbie. As it proved so effective at inflicting wounds on anyone stupid enough to take it on, barbed wire started being used around other popular destinations (such as Stonehenge, Bermuda, and music festivals).

Meanwhile, rhubarb has been around for centuries and is typified by its massive long stalk and bushy head (they look a bit like Kate Bush, but without noses). It’s a seasonal plant, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use genetic engineering, harsh chemical bleach, and any spare nuclear waste to ensure it grows peculiarly large in time for your Sunday lunch.

Rhubarbs are usually grown in greenhouses (houses which are, literally, painted green – any other colour is illegal). This can be really useful, because if you want people to stay away from your greenhouse, you can use rhubarbed wire to erect (lol) a moderately dangerous perimeter around the bloody thing you want to keep safe.

Anyway, we make these things simply by splicing rhubarb together with pre-existing barbed wire. We do this by hand at the Professional Moron office. As we can’t afford protective gloves, there may be residue of blood (from cut fingers), tears (from the pain of the cut fingers), and sweat (it’s bloody hard work!) left all over the rhubarbed wires. As such, it is entirely up to you if you wish to eat them or not.

Rhubarbed Wire: Uses

• Safety purposes: Got something you want keeping safe (for example: your garden shed, your left foot, your toenail clipping collection, or your secret safe containing a severed limb)? Get some rhubarbed wire wrapped around the thing! That’ll keep the bed bugs away at night.
• Safety porpoises: This product is not intended for use with a porpoise. Yes, we did do that on purpose, because we don’t want porpoises getting injured.
• Food: This product can be consumed, but do so at your own peril. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, did of course test the product for his lunch due to the laws demanded by Consumer Rights groups. Mr. Wapojif’s screams of anguish were heard for many days around the local neighbourhood, particularly when the barbed wire passed through his system. He stated the product is “Delicious, but will leave you unable to move due to chronic abdominal pains. I found a packet of aspirins helped to alleviate the intense agony somewhat.”
• Baseball bat: Finally, do note the product does not make for a useful baseball bat. Use a genuine baseball bat for this instead.