Exclusive Invention: Kneeball (much better than football)

Football
Add in a knee and you’re all set!

In England, and other parts of the world (such as Bognor Regis), there’s a game called “football” (also known as “soccer”) which involves thrusting a foot at a circular object. If one thrusts one’s foot forcefully enough, the circular object becomes airborne (to a certain degree) and in so doing ensures the capacity for inevitabilities such as a “goal”, “handball”, “scurvy”, and/or “carpal tunnel syndrome”.

Football is an enormously popular game in some regions of the globe, but we feel we can go one better. This is why we’ve invented kneeball, which is better than football because knees (probably the must underrated of all human limbs) are involved. Indeed, after a game of kneeball you’ll drop to your knees and weep in sheer joy at the experience. That’s a fact, or your money back*!

Kneeball

So confident are we that kneeball will be a global success, we’ve decided to honour today as International Kneeball Day (IKD). After a kneeball spree… you just get this sense that there’s no need for a trip to the sea, a cup of tea, a spending spree, or to flee. Indeed, the knee is a truly gifted body part which we’ve been ignoring for millenia.

To play the game, one must have one or more working knees and be capable of foul language. You can have five or more players on each side, and the game works exactly the same way as football except for the fact you’re all on your knees shuffling about the place like buffoons. To watch it in action is like beholding a bunch of geriatric drunks shuffling about to Billy Ray Cyrus’ hit single Achy Breaky Heart. It’s that good.

One must nudge the ball about with one’s knees in order to knee it into the back of the net. The team with the most goals wins the game – matches last for seven hours with a ten minute break after six hours. If the ball comes into contact with a foot, this is called “football” and is punishable by death. There’s also the pink card, which is issued to players who suddenly stand up and shout, “This is so stupid, we look like idiots!”. This player will then receive a public flogging with a whip.

If a team’s players all have sufficiently scruffy knees by the end of the game, they’re awarded an extra goal (although this is on a kneeto know basis). Players must then strip naked and be hosed down with cold water in order to reduce the severe chaffing on their kneecaps. They’re then handed dressing gowns and complimentary cigars before heading off to deal with the press.

Kneeball World Cup

Last week, we began planning for the World Cup to be held in Skegness, England, in the summer of 2020. So far, we’ve had interest from Barbados, Japan, Russia, and Kyrgyzstan. We’ve sent an open letter to British Prime Minister Theresa May pleading for the World Cup to be held in a working class area of Manchester.

Why? Well, we just want there to be plenty of casual violence and muggings in order to ensure the boring nature of kneeball is marred by controversy and incident off the pitch. After all, there’s certainly nothing happening on it! It’s a really quite terribly boring game that, even at the three hour mark, begins to drag like the players’ drag their knees.

If you fancy forming your own team, be warned kneeball is terrible for the ligaments and will induce severe agony for weeks following any standard game. But it’s more than worth it to hear the roar (NB: It’s actually more like polite applause) of the three strong crowd as you knee the ball into the back of the net. You can’t buy moments like that.

*DEPENDENT on whether you have knobbly knees.

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