Agony Aunt: “HELP! Me bird hates me gansgta slang aiiiiiiie”

English language

Sometimes a guy just gotta do gangsta. Why? As one must appear upstanding amongst one’s peers. One must be cool. One must come across as a hoodlum whom grew up on da streets. It’s not at all a facade to try and generate some semblance of a roguish maverick whom all the ladies will throw themselves at. Or, you know, some guys just actually behave like this. Take today’s outstandingly subversive gem who does it all his own way.

Gangsta Slang

aiiie yo yo wassup wiv da PM? diss problim write iz defectin mi coz lyke wot wiv duh 2 fings dat der oar goin wiv da flo i fink dat duh bezt fing 4 mi know iz 2 knot let mi bird disrespek mi. Wot wiv da fing dat is duh land gauge mi bird iz sayin dat i aint hunderstand stable n dat dat fing she wan fro er man iz 2 b ayeble 2 hunder stand er man. i we're lyke "bitch, u aint no da alf of it, u fink i can hunder stand u u crazy women? u chattin shit 24/7 yo, i fink dat u iz an hippo crypt." den she we're all lyke, "Dammit, Trevor, I don't get why you have to speak like a ****ing idiot all the time! You're 37 years old!" n i we're all lyke, "bitch, u donut no duh alf off it u iz da 1 2 selfie absorped 2 c dat duh problim is 2 do wiv 2 fings. dey iz diss - 1 itz 2 du wiv u and 2 itz 2 do wiv u lol." so yeah datz me problim ta Trevz

Hi, Trevor. Apologies for the month long delay in getting to your message, we had to bring in a translation team to break down your wild rambling into comprehensible English. They were incompetent fools, so in the end our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, got his elbows stuck in and translated it for us to subsequently analyse. Here’s the final result:

Hello Professional Moron. How are you? My problem is my girlfriend cannot understand me, which I gather is often a standard requirement in any given relationship. I think she is treating me unfairly. I informed her of my standing, but she said: "fackin' 'ell u iz speekin lyke a fackin' idiot n u iz @ a age we're dat shud knot appen". Consequently, I informed her: "My dear woman, I am not the problem. If you cannot understand me, then be a bit less fatuous in order to negotiate your way around the issue." Your learned response would lend me great strength at this troubling time. Regards, Trevor

Obviously this isn’t 100% verbatim, but likely a 79.4% approximation. Unfortunately, Mr. Wapojif was a bit tired when he translated it after completing his mission to scale the Professional Moron building wearing a hazmat suit whilst carrying a bucket and spade (don’t ask). However, we’re now fully prepped to provide you with some exceptional dating advice!

Learn a New Language

Clearly, the issue here is you’re both at a loose end with your communication. She doesn’t understand you, you don’t understand her, and no one else understands either of you.

This is a sorry state of affairs which can, thankfully, easily be rectified. All it takes is to learn a new language, so you can communicate with ease – we’re proposing you get to grips with Russian and Japanese. We’ve been helpful and penned out a few opening phrases for you. Help yourselves to these and all the best!

  • Russian: “Bitch, don’t you speak to me like that!” – “Сука, ты не говори со мной так!”
  • Russian: “Bloody hell, woman, I asked for margarine, not houmous!” –
    “Кровавый ад, женщина, я попросил маргарин, а не хумус!”
  • Russian: “Shut your face!” – “Заткнись!”
  • Japanese: “Shut your face!” – “あなたの顔を黙らせて!”
  • Japanese: “No, I will not massage you and your gross hairy back. Freak!” – ”
  • Japanese: “Bitch, one more word out of you and I will storm out of this room and slam the door!” – “雌犬、あなたからのもう一つの言葉と私はこの部屋から嵐を吹き飛ばし、ドアを叩くでしょう!”


      • 雌犬 is literally “female dog”, which is perhaps a little formal for the context. Interestingly, the character 尼 can be used to mean either “nun” or “bitch”, making for entertaining ambiguity when writing to the Sisterhood of the Divine Light’s Tokyo branch.

        Liked by 3 people

        • Ooh, like it. Max Everingham used to run this Japanese slot in N64 Magazine and I picked up a few phrases. But that was 20 years ago. Now I prefer
          ケーキ (cake for any stupid non Japanese readers).

          Liked by 1 person

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