Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I divorce my girlfriend?!”

Divorce before marriage is final.

For some people, marriage isn’t wanted. Indeed, for some people marriage is so unwanted they want to get divorced beforehand. Whilst not logical in any respects, it’s nonetheless a fine approach to take in order to indicate marriage just isn’t your thing. However, what if your significant other wants to get married regardless? It’s a tough one, but we’re here to save the bloody day.

Divorce Before Marriage

Greetings. I'm Barry and I love my girlfriend, Sally, but I don't want to marry. I'm Barry who won't marry, you could say. I'm violently opposed to marriage because I think it's responsible for weight gain, male pattern balding, apathy, and resentment fuelled murder (in extreme cases). Sally wants to marry Barry, though, but I'm too scared to tell her Barry don't marry. My mate Larry said I should divorce Sally immediately to make sure we can never get married. His mate Harry, who likes to parry, thinks I should "settle down". I think Harry is full of ****. What do you think? Yours, Barry

Good day to you, Barry who will not marry. Well, this dating debate rectangle of Barry, Harry, Larry, and Sally is certainly intriguing and has tested our relationship solving skills to the limit. Marriage, of course, isn’t mandatory and you should be confident enough to express your distaste to your girlfriend whom, if she isn’t one of those crazy ones, should accept your decision following on from a mandatory explosive argument with much profanity, screaming, and throwing of objects at you.

To get divorced before marriage, you simply need a corrupt lawyer to flout the law so you can circumvent the limitations of “tradition”. Then, in the eyes of the law and the Lord Almighty, you will be divorced before marriage. Just bear in mind divorce is not final and you can get married again, so it sort of renders all of this a bit redundant. Also, Sally might get a bit offended if you decide to divorce her – women are like that.

Divorce Alternatives

Remember, divorce isn’t the only option. Whilst certainly the most protracted, acrimonious, and morose of the lot, there are other ways to ensure you don’t have to get married into a marriage by taking up different types of marriage, whilst not actually being married.


Ignore marriage in favour of watching the Hobbit trilogy on repeat until your brains have been pulverised into mush. Force Sally to endure watching the films repeatedly until she announces, “You know what… how about a change? I fancy some Marley & Me!” – at this point, your relationship ends.


Consolidate your love for each other through cheese. This is kind of a philosophical work in progress for us, but feel free to explore this smelly option with relish.

Alien Covenant Marriage

Presided over by director Ridley Scott, you head into a cinema and watch the Alien films on a loop (even the rubbish ones like Alien 3) until you realise marriage is a far better alternative than the relentless carnage on screen.

Open Marriage

You get married, but leave all the doors in your home open. Consequently, anyone and everyone in the neighbourhood can wander in and out of your home at leisure. This sense of openness will help you appreciate each other further, mainly due to the lack of personal property you own due to persistent theft. In other words – you’ll only have each other (and a big empty house).

Closed Marriage

As with above, but all the doors in your home remain closed – permanently. You must then work as a team to smash your way in and out of your house each day. Working as a team will strengthen your relationship, with cries of support such as “Nice one, wifey!” and “Way to go, hubs!” being commonplace for fans of this type of marriage.

Drugs Marriage

Taken up a schedule of Class A narcotics, you’ll be too out of it to understand what marriage even is.


Replace marriage with cabbage. Grow myriad cabbage patches in your home, outside of your home, and on the roof. You’ll be so overwhelmed by the things that marriage will be inappropriate and unsanitary, due to the rabbit infestation this will trigger off. Best of luck, Barry!

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