Jobs aren’t just handed out in the street like religious pamphlets, you have to go out there and earn them! Bribes, threats of violence, and simply turning up and announcing you work somewhere won’t suffice either.

You need to obtain a contract—to do so, one must attend a “job interview”, hide your inner lunacy with nervous politeness, and make several bumbling minor errors that you’ll curse for the rest of your life.

Yes, everyone has had a job interview. Except the Royal family. Unlike the Royal family, however, most people have some form of discerning talent and genuine purpose in life.

Thusly, without the luxury of hereditary privilege on your side, you’ll have to go out there and work hard. This involves the “job interview”, a process can be nerve-wracking, difficult, embarrassing, but essential in landing a role. Here’s how to nail it, dude.

How to Nail a Job Interview

You’ll need a CV, or résumé, and an understanding of your abilities. What are you core strengths? Can you do 255 push-ups in two minutes? Get that on your CV!

But what about your educational achievements? Did you once tell your High School mathematics teacher to, “**** off you old ******* with your algebra, I’m gonna be a goddamn rock star! I’m a genius!”? If so, you may wish to leave your D in mathematics off your record.

You can, however, focus on your genuine abilities, such as how you scraped a B in home economics by winking provocatively at your teacher.

Or, did you have an unexpected skill in art? Well, forget that, there’s no career there!

You need to get yourself a steady career in administration, so fire up your CV crammed with how you can count to 10 and can reel off the alphabet even if you’re mildly intoxicated.

The interviews will start rolling in accordingly.

Dealing With Interview Techniques

There are various types of interviews, but traditionally they consist of you sitting nervously in a room as a member of higher management asks you questions.

You must then answer these questions truthfully in a spur of the moment blur of gibberish that will sound like total nonsense to you the moment it’s left your skull. Here are some stereotypical questions:

• Where do you see yourself in five years? Responding with “Probably dead, due to my chronic heroin addiction”, “Dunno, mate…”, or “Five years older, matey” will do you no good.
• Can you list your strengths? Bragging is not advised. Men—do not boast about the size of your penis. Women – do not classify your ability to don makeup within three minutes as a plus side. Instead, focus on your tangible strengths, such as an impressive online winning streak on Mario Kart, or your character level on World of Warcraft.
• Why do you want to work here? Try not to state the obvious, such as “Well, I have these things called bills, and this other thing called rent, plus this other societal obligation known as tax, so I need something to fund all that.”
• What makes you a good team player? “I have the capacity to grit my teeth and put up with other people, even though I’m generally misanthropic and want to punch most of colleagues’ heads in.” This approach will earn you few nods of agreement.
• Do you have any questions for us? Everything has been leading up to the conclusion of the interview. Ask questions, no matter how idiotic: “Are you married?”, “Is the CEO married?”, “Is anyone in the office not married?”, “How long is the hour long lunch break?”, “What are your views on yodelling?”, “I’m thinking of saving on rent, so can I sleep at the office?”, “My feet stink bad, is this a problem?” etc.

Sing at the Job Interview

There are, however, more unusual interview techniques to be prepared for.

Last week (NB: This is genuine, we’re not being irreverent on this one), we came across genius FTSE 100 Talent Director Simon Armstrong. This genius had this to say about the perfect way to hire modern talent:

"No one likes to sing. It is embarrassing. But it is a perfect means of manoeuvring someone out of their comfort zone. Interviews these days are so predictable. People can lie their way through a competency based interview with tales of pretend positive stakeholder management and customer satisfaction experiences. You cannot prepare for this. With no forewarning, I request they sing a song. There is no excuse for not singing. We have a jam packed Karaoke player spanning the decades covering everything from 9 to 5 (Dolly Parton) to Work (Rhianna). The candidate is not judged on quality of performance, purely whether the song is completed. I aim to put the candidate at ease by clapping and singing along. Complete the song and we continue with the interview. Don’t complete the song and the interview ends. Simple. It is the perfect method for identifying a reactive employee who can cope under unexpected pressure."

Mr. Armstrong is clearly a genius of the highest order. This is absolutely not vacuous, self-absorbed, spontaneous business power play bullshit.

We’re sure Mr. Armstrong ran this by his subordinates, none of whom were dribbling sycophants, to clarify his idea as a magnificent work of genius. It absolutely isn’t stupid and superfluous!

The key takeaway from this genius is: “The candidate is not judged on quality of performance”. Indeed, this is a profound decision. Also, “I aim to put the candidate at ease by clapping and singing along”.

By clapping along like a patronising seal, Mr. Armstrong is sure to secure for his workforce only the most extroverted, narcissistic, and vapid individuals.

As we all know, they’re the only people who make for productive employees.

 Nose Picking

Our resident genius, Mr. Wapojif, was suitably inspired by Mr. Armstrong. So much so, he’s created the imperfect interview method. He said: 

"Interviews today are banal in their predictability. So, out of the blue, I ask a Professional Moron candidate to pick their nose. There is no excuse for not picking their nose - there's a box of tissues on my desk and two nostrils jam packed with bogeys, snot, and mucus. I don't judge candidates on the amount extracted, but on whether they willingly complete the task. I put candidates at ease by picking my own nose, and encourage them by flicking my boogers at them. Pick their nose and they've got the job. Don't pick it and I call the police and inform them of a trespasser. Simples. It is the imperfect method for identifying an employee who can ideate within the echelons of blue sky thinking in order to touch base offline through thought showers based on pipeline ideation discerning low hanging fruit and outside the box ideating."

Conclusion

You’ve bagged the role. Congratulations! You’ll be the CEO within five years. However, you’ve just got to get over those first day nerves.

Our advice? Dutch courage! Head on into your job steaming drunk—this will show to your colleagues you’re also a good laugh, not just a hardworking individual who bangs on about profit margins.

From there, your interview persona will crumble and all your glaring foibles will begin to rear themselves.

It’s too late for your colleagues, they’ll have to now put up with your habit of chewing with your mouth open, liberal attitude towards bodily functions, and enjoyment of a 12″ pizza every lunch, plus rustling of crisp packets half a dozen times a day.

You’re in—so long as you don’t punch your superiors, you’ll pass your probation and be on the way up the corporate ladder.