Under international law, any beginner must have with them a duck. This helps the beginner to stand out amongst non-beginners in order for them to be have an easier time of it. If the beginner is without a duck, they can be punished by up to 50 lashings from a rusty chain. If this seems unnecessarily harsh, do remember rules are in place for a reason – what’s the point of having them if they are to be consistently flouted?

Ducks are amphibious feathery flight machines with elongated beaks and a form of communication known as “quack”. It is believed they began being used by beginners at the beginning (which is apt) of the 19th century. Thusly, the phrase “beginner’s duck” became widespread amongst civilized society. Let us, then, take a closer luck at this harmonious relationship between beginners and ducks.

Beginner’s duck

It doesn’t matter what profession it is, whether a lawyer, barista, turnip salesman, or mass murderer, you’ll have to bring your beginner’s duck with you. This can make things a touch difficult if, for instance, you choose upon mass murdering for your career, as the duck can often give away your location by quacking. The duck also fails miserably as an effective alibi.

How long you’re classed as a beginner depends on your profession. Vets, for instance, train for over half a dozen years, but the duck is fairly useful to them during this time. This isn’t the case if, for another instance, you’re a trainee bus driver. Having to drive paying commuters from A to B whilst monitoring the well-being of your duck makes any given journey doubly stressful. Many bus drivers simply can’t hack it and duck out of the profession like laughable snowflakes.

Mature Mongoose

Once someone has gone beyond the stage of amateur, one reaches an intermediate level. You have matured, which means you’ll need to start bringing a mongoose around with you. Again, this is international law in some countries – in other regions (such as Bolton), you may need to substitute the mongoose with a magpie, due to the lack of the mongoose species in the region.

Expert Earwig

When you hit expert level, it’s time to break out the earwigs. In England, for example, it’s mandatory for top level expert executives to have at lost 12 earwigs on their person at any given time. Failure to do so results in a £30 million profit deficit and the need to blast out some Excel spreadsheets to explain what’s in the pipeline. What is in the pipeline? More earwigs.

Retirement Rattlesnake

When you retire, it’s an optional option to acquire a rattlesnake. Many retirees find the snake’s volatile personality keeps them on their toes; if they get bitten, the trip to the hospital gives them something to do. The snake can also be a big hit at parties, where its rattling provides guests with a uniquely terrifying conversation point, as well as the chance to suck the poison out of each other in the event of unprovoked attacks (this has the potential for romance to blossom, given the right combination of people involved).