Soup is great, but we’re getting bored of the same old recipes like leek and potato. It’s, like, where’s the originality? Other dreary examples include tomato soup.

Just, like, tomatoes… mushed up? That’s ketchup! It’s just a bloody condiment in a bowl and you’re charging me, like, £3 for this? What the hell? I know it’s austerity Britain, but that’s taking the biscuit, you vagabonds.

Thusly, we got to thinking about soups that are affordable, tasty, and will fatten up the starving masses.

The Fizziness of Banana and Coca-Cola Soup

England may be enjoying an obesity epidemic, but that doesn’t mean citizens can’t be healthy as well! What we needed was a combination of the bad and the good.

So, this is kind of like mayonnaise soup and ham and jam soup. But different!!

The result is this banana and Coca-Cola soup. It tastes weird (if not outright vile), but it’ll help your kids grow up to be big, strong, and obese.

Bananas have typically been used as a fruit for millennia, although they have, at times, doubled up as a type of bread (i.e. banana bread).

Bananas are not typically used in soups, but they have the correct mushy quality to match other soup mushes – think “carrot soup” and you’re almost there, except for that yellow fever type yellow colour.

Coca-Cola, of course, is a popular beverage favoured by those with a penchant for diabetes. It’s a thirst quenching, lip smacking sugar extravaganza that’s normally best served chilled with a few ice cubes.

Not in banana soup! This SOB is warmed up to the point it’ll burn your tongue. It’s also a total cinch to make.

Simply purchase a bunch of bananas, mush them up in the patented Professional Moron Banana Musher (£300/$400 – it’s a man wielding a sledgehammer, he’ll arrive at your home to perform the mushing at a time that suits), and tip the mush into a pan. Next, it’s time for the coke! No, silly, not the cocaine!

The Coca-Cola! We’d say a three litre bottle will do the trick here. Tip it all into the pan.

You’re going for maximum heat with this, so blast the gas on full volume. Also, get your flamethrower out of the pantry and, in sporadic bursts, blast the pan for a good 5-10 seconds.

This helps to add a delicious bronzed crust to the manically frothing concoction. After an hour of that, the soup will be reduced to a globule of sputtering weirdness. It’s time to eat! Sprinkle on some pepper and salt and get stuck in.

What About Dr. Pepper Soup?

In case you were wondering, the coke can be substituted for other class A narcotics or teeth rotting fizzy beverages.

Dr. Pepper is allowed, but discouraged, seeing as that drink is a scourge of the seven seas. However, you are liberally encouraged to use the likes of Irn-Bru, Red Bull, Sprite, Pepsi, spinach, Fanta, 7 Up, or Marmite.

The bananas cannot be substituted. They’re there for a reason.

You can add in extra fruit if you wish, such as haddock, but it’s best to strip the recipe down to its bare bones as the fizzy drink/fruit combination it was intended to be.

Just remember, this is a soup and is intended for eating with a spoon.

So, if you stuck some ice cubes and a straw into this one you’ll be hacked down by the sledgehammer wielding maniac we sent to keep an eye on you. Otherwise, enjoy!