Scarface is about a man who has a face. On it, there is a scar. It’s about this guy called Tony Montana, who is loosely based on a batch of real life criminals, who likes drugs, selling drugs, and generally shooting big guns at people. In the 1983 production, Al Pacino screams a famous line, but… what if Montana had fluffed the line being so out of it on cocaine? Let’s take a gander.

Say hello to my little friend!

Okay, so here’s the original and how it played out exactly in real life. It’s called “irony”, as the gun he has isn’t at all little. That’s a large gun. And it does a lot of damage. It’s all about machismo, you see. Got a small gun? You ain’t no man.

Say YOLO to my little friend!

Scarface is getting a remake, so we recommend the above alteration for a modern audience. It’s topical, you see, and also ironic. It made us proper L oh L when we thought of it in a moment of unadulterated genius.

Say hello to my little fiend!

Yeah, that works. You can get away with that.

Say hello to Friends!

As in the TV show. Scarface would have been less brutal if everyone had decided to put aside their differences to just watch the TV show.

Say hello to Jason Isaacs

That’s just a Church of Wittertainment reference there. Many of you philistines probably won’t get that one. Harumph!

Say hello to my fag ends!

Presumably, Montana’s home is littered with fag ends. He looks like a heavy smoker. We should imagine he wanted, and even subtly suggested, people clean them up for him.

Say hello to my extra dividend!

Montana, always laying on with the one-time distribution of corporate owners to shareholders. Canny lay. Canny.

Say hello to my back end!

Okay, a bit rude, but not as profane as some of the other stuff he roars in the film.

Say hello to my rear end!

Okay, another butt one. What’s that about, Montana, do you fancy your butt or something? Weirdo.

Say hello to my griddle, friend!

Perhaps all Tony Montana wanted to do was show off his wealth to his friends. What better way to do that? With the best damn griddle available on the market!

Say hello to my wiggle, friend!

Maybe Montana just wanted to wiggle (i.e. “boogie”) on down with these people. He spends some time in a disco in Scarface, so dancing is his thing.

Say hello!

Maybe Montana was just a bit lonely. Maybe he just wanted to say hello to the gun wielding thugs out to wipe him off the face of the Earth.

And finally…

Say hello to my split ends!

Yes, we’ll bet keeping your hair shiny and manageable is hard work when you’re out of it on drugs all the time. Mind you, other criminals aren’t going to flee in terror due to your split ends, Montana. Your arsenal of guns will do that.