Exclusive Invention: The Washing Machine Hob

Hob
Hob.

Washing machines are useful for people who like clean clothes. Hobs are useful for people who like heating up food. But has anyone ever thought about combining a washing machine with a hob? We sure have! The washing machine hob is a merger of the two, providing state-of-the-art cooking and cleaning within one product. We assure you of this – you shan’t be hobbled by this product!

It’s pretty straightforward. We integrated a hob into a washing machine – the hob is on the “roof” of the central washing compartment. Thusly, when you start a washing cycle the energy created is enough to warm the hob up to temperatures of 500°C (932 Fahrenheit). This does mean you can only warm stuff up when you need to wash something, so just ensure loads of your clothes are constantly filthy. Stop bathing, foul yourself whenever possible, dribble regularly – you’ll get the hang of it!

The Washing Machine Hob

Okay, well this is mainly for professionals and parents with a fast-paced life. Got some food to cook, plus some clothes to clean? This contraption is for you! Simply bung your clothes into the washing machine drum (don’t get confused and throw the food in there!), there set your wash cycle going.

As your clothes wash, the hob (a giant disc on the roof of the machine) will heat up to roughly 500°C (there’s no real way to control this at the moment with our beta product, but we’ll try and get it down to acceptable levels when we go live with our production). At this point, you’re free to cook! Whatever you want – got some rice to boil? Get it going! Want to fry up some tofu? You got it! Want do some French bread? You’re sorted!

Health & Safety

As with many of our inventions, we aim to save time, reduce waste, save the environment, and assist consumers in their day-to-day lives. As our regular readers know, this is often at tremendous cost to overall health and safety. To combat this appalling record, this invention has many cutting edge new features to ensure you don’t suffer hideous injuries or reduce your home to a mound of rubble.

Our innovative ghetto blaster warning system is central to this. In the event of a fire, it begins blasting out a fire alarm – if you don’t respond to this (say, if you’re unconscious drunk or due to smoke inhalation), it explodes with the force of an explosion to alert neighbours of your peril. This explosion will decimate part of your home, but it is worth it in order to save your life.

Safety Concerns

The product does pose several notable safety concerns we’re legally obliged to tell you about. As the washing machine hob goes into its spin cycle, this can make the product quite insanely dangerous. If you’ve got boiling water on the go, for instance, it can lead to the product owner being doused in searing hot water. This can lead to mild irritation, plus much high-pitched screaming.

It’s also quite common to forget what you’re doing and lean forward to rest a hand on the hob. Due to the high temperatures, this can lead to third-degree burns and, of course, additional screaming. Do note: regular bouts of screaming is noise pollution, which could lead to complaints from your neighbours.

Due to the injuries you can sustain during the wash cycle, it can make removing your freshly washed clothes difficult. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was covered in blood after attempting to wash his shirt whilst boiling some brown rice. This blood subsequently soiled the shirt as he removed it from the device, meaning he had to immediately put it back in to wash it again.

This then led to more rice boiling to ensure no energy wastage, but as he kept injuring himself further he ended up a bloodied mess, soiling the shirt at the end of each wash cycle and becoming increasingly mentally unstable in the process, but still resorting to washing his shirt again, whilst boiling more rice (interspersed with much screaming). Ultimately, he ended up with a small hill of cooked rice and no clean shirt – we found him unconscious and hallucinating wildly on the office floor.

Pre-Order Today!

If this product sounds ideal for your life, book today! It’s set for a Q4 2018 release and will include a free beef tomato with every unit purchased. The asking price is £1,000 ($2,000), but there’s a 10% discount for anyone who already has third-degree burns inflicted from any of our other inventions (please provide proof of burn upon purchase).

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