Women are defined by long hair, being short, and being susceptible to a well-timed chat up line. This proven form of flirting is a sure fire way to land yourself a bird – we’ve covered this topic before with How to Ask Out a Woman, but we felt it was about time to advance our guide so our male readers can bag the babe of their dreams. Onward!

How to Chat Up a Woman: Part 2

Many men get nervous before approaching birds due to a fear of rejection. You’ve downed a beer to get your nerves up, belched exuberantly to psyche yourself along, then strutted your stuff over to some lucky lady you’ve taken a shining to. Puffing out your chest, you breathe your magnificent beer breath all over her: “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” Despite adding in an engaging, toothy smirk, she looks at you in horror and scuttles off.

What went wrong?! Well, your dating technique is horrendously out of date, my man! Whilst that line may have worked every time 30 years ago, these days women demand so much more. So here’s the lowdown: the chat up lines that work, the gimmicks that’ll pull, and the smells that’ll win them over.

Chat Up Lines

The right chat up line, at the right time, will work wonders. Sadly, most men make a mess of it. So we’ve provided the best chat up lines in the world – use them sparingly so as not to contaminate them. The more women hear them, the less successful they will be for future human males.

• Hi babe. Have you ever been to Nice? Because you look nicer than Nice
• Hey babe, want to catch a movie? After, maybe I could move in with you? [insert dry laugh and a wink from either eyelid]
• Hey babe. Did you know you can’t say “gangrene” without saying “green”, which is a pretty colour? But you’re prettier than gangrene! [wink several times]
• [Stand with your hands on your hips] Hi babe, my friends call me Superb Man, because I am superb, and a man. I can’t fly, but I can buy (you a drink)
• Get your iPhone, you’ve pulled [NB: This is a modern adaptation of the archaic “coat” line, which we’re trial running – feel free to try out this beta model, although its efficacy currently isn’t assured]

But along with showing your witty repartee, you need to flatter birds in order to get them on your side. “Buttering them up” to the layperson, bribing them into sycophancy for the cannier bachelor. With this in mind, here are a few tactics that will ensure you come across as a gentleman, as opposed to a total prick.

Flour

Chicks dig flour, probably because it reminds them of baking in a kitchen, which is where dames belong. When you go on a date, don’t forget to take your broad a bag of flour – don’t go cheap on them, though, we’re talking about proper organic rye flour, or some such. At the very least, make sure it’s wholemeal.

You can even prepare this prior to a date – knead it into a ball of dough. You can hand it over to her in a tin and tell her it’s ready to be used as a pizza base, or for other baking purposes. If she looks at you confusedly, you know this one isn’t a keeper. Ditch her at the first opportunity – we suggest “accidentally” getting run over and being rushed to hospital.

Shoes

Women love shoes, so bring a load with you on your first date. Hit the sales in a cheap shoe shop – men’s shoes, women’s shoes, bring them all on down! When you first meet, dismiss the numerous bags you’re carrying as narcotics you’ll be peddling later (this will win further favour with her, knowing you have at least one steady line of employment). When you’re settled in a bar you can dump them all over to her. She’ll likely be so delighted she’ll be rendered speechless!

Makeup & Perfume

Women and artificial physical enhancements go together like bread and soup. However, the stuff is bloody expensive (makeup and perfume, that is – bread and soup are affordable for most people, even working class scumbags)! So, to show her what a bad boy maverick you are, whilst on your date (and make sure she’s watching when you do this for full marks), rush into a woman’s shop and steal as much of the stuff as possible.

Lipstick, eye liner, perfume containers, lip gloss – whatever, just bundle it up in your arms and sprint away with numerous security guards in tow. Once you’ve ditched them, catch back up with your broad and hand over the swag. She’ll be so impressed, she may want to mate with you right there and then!

Your Natural Stench

Forget aftershave, chicks dig the foul stench of your manly odours. It’s best not to wash for at least a week before your date. If this isn’t possible (i.e. you’ve scored a hot date after one of the above chat up lines worked instantaneously), then you should do a five mile run. After this, turn up to your date wearing a short sleeved shirt – spending the evening stretching out your arms behind the back of your head and grunting.

90% of women, based on tests carried out by the Body Odour Organisation (BOO), said they found this stench physically repulsive. This means there’s 10% of women out there whom appreciate a real man! It’s a war zone out there, my friends, but one you can stink your way through in order to land a subservient female mate. Best of luck, comrade!