Job Spec: Join Our Apprenticeship Programme!

Job spec for hiring
You can apply from today! Do note, we reserve the right to maintain our No Hipsters policy.

Fantastic news! After our long-suffering apprentice completed his programme with us, we’re now opening our doors to a lucky individual to take over his reign! During Apprentice A‘s three year spell, he suffered multiple fractures, several shattered bones, brain damage, endless concussions, and has been left with a lifetime of PTSD. His CV has been bolstered with many enviable bonuses as a result, but now it’s your time to benefit!

Our Office Apprentice

As our office apprentice, you’ll be responsible for many exciting responsibilities! You won’t just be stuffed into a corner to make coffee and tea for the proper staff – no, you’ll be in the beating heart of the Professional Moron team. Located in the beating heart of Manchester city centre, you’ll see up close and personal the beating hearts of this award-losing publication.

It’s a chance to hone your journalistic skills, inoculate yourself against various obscure diseases, and improve as a writer. Gain essential experience in a modern newsroom as you attempt to deal with our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, and his temper tantrums, volatile bouts of delusional psychosis, and crazed inventions.

Key Tasks & Duties

  • Ideate within the sphere of blue sky delineation in order to quantify low hanging fruit pertaining to echelonic extrapolation
  • Ensure Mr. Wapojif has his afternoon nap
  • Communicate with the local authorities, and local government, in the regular event of the latest series of explosions
  • Try and get the rats nest out of the office
  • Analyse market trends using Google Analytics, AHREFs, Moz, AWR Cloud, Google Search Console, SEM Rush, and try and make some sense out of it all
  • Liaise with relevant departments on a daily basis to ensure everyone is still alive (if anyone is dead, get rid of the cadaver)
  • Take notes as Mr. Wapojif rants wildly about his latest content marketing strategy – ideate accordingly
  • Once a month, clean the office toilet armed with a plunger, some rubber gloves, and chemical grade bleach
  • Take a three day weekend after the toilet clean in order to recover in hospital
  • Ensure the office is readily stocked with mouthwash

Salary

  • No

Benefits of working with us

  • It’s something to do
  • Learn more about police inquiries, court proceedings, and jail time
  • Unpaid overtime
  • You get to hang out with industry legend Mr. Wapojif
  • Learn to deal with agonising injuries
  • Proliferate your career with an abundance of illegal activities

How to Apply

During the gruelling three month application process, you’ll consume only gruel. Your proof of this will be a display of chronic weight loss when you attend the second stage of our interview process.

Please apply using the application form hidden somewhere on this website – if you have an unsightly Hipster beard, shave it off immediately. If you’re an entitled snowflake, you’re welcome to apply in order to have this mercilessly crushed out of you!

Please note: the Professional Moron apprenticeship programme lasts for over three years and may result in your potential fatality. If embracing nothingness isn’t a desirable aspect to your career, your face won’t fit here.

Legal Disclaimer

Professional Moron is an equal opportunities employer. This means we pick and choose equal opportunities as and when we please. By that, we mean we’re not employing Hipsters, entitled snowflakes, mass murderers, or anyone who doesn’t like houmous. 

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