Gone are the days when it was expected of the human male to ask out the human female. Indeed, it is now perfectly legal for human females to ask out a human male. In previous generations, it was illegal on pain of getting one’s bangs cut off. A most crushing disaster for any human, male or female. Human females, however, lack thousands of years of practice, so it’s only natural they should turn to experts like Professional Moron for dating tips.

Human Males

Hello Professional Moron. I'm a bit nervous writing in. I had to get some courage to do so. So I'm slightly drunk while I write. I'm listening to Shania Twain's belting tunes. Man! I feel like a woman! DUH DUH DUH duuuHH DUH DUH DUH!!!! [Editor: We truncated her message after this as there was a lot of inebriated rambling] ... and I was like, whatever, bitch, my bangs are, like 10x better than yours!!! LOOOOL!! But to cut a long story short there's this, like, well fit guy I see, like, all the time and I want to ask him out. But I get nervous. And I don't reckon he's gonna dig my whole Shania Twain thing, cos, like, most men like gangsta rap. Advice?! Thanks, Jane.

Hi, Jane. There’s no need to be nervous – think of men as one would think of a braying donkey. Lots of strange noises, but you shouldn’t take them too seriously. Men can be decoded in but a mere several ways: an interest in sports, beer, fighting, bellowing, and ogling women. So long as you fit into one of these parameters, you’ll be able to gain his or her attention.

“Flirting”

Flirting is an ancient practice. An art form, one could say. But what does it mean “to flirt”? We don’t mean girlish giggling and fluttering one’s eyelids. Do that to a modern human male and he’ll believe you’re subversively mocking him, become enraged, and post a snarky comment on Twitter about how feminism is destroying civilization.

You need to refine your approach. There are various tactics available: online dating, kidnapping, stalking, public humiliation (yank his pants down when he’s in McDonald’s etc.), physical assault, blackmail, and bombarding him with messages on social media. All of those are fine, but we think there’s one tactic that is particularly suited to you.

Playing Hard to Pet

A new dating crazy is “playing hard to pet”. This involves striking up a relationship with the human male, but if he attempts to pet (i.e. touch) you, rescind his efforts with considerable violence. We’ve provided a list of tangible actions to follow to ensure marriage is on the cards:

• He touches your hair – Elbow him in the gut
• He attempts to hold your hand – Stamp on his foot
• He compliments you (i.e. some of his breath particles invade your privacy) – Smack him
• He opens a door for you with wanton chivalry – Headbutt him
• He tries to kiss you – Knee him in the trouser department
• He takes your hand as he proposes – Gob on his head

Accompany any of these actions with either: a girlish giggle, twizzling your hair with an index finger, or taking a selfie in the immediate aftermath. The human male, whilst exacerbated, will mindlessly consider you worthwhile in the long term. It doesn’t matter how many shattered limbs and public disgraces he endures, remember men are stupid enough to keep at it until the end result is marriage, babies, bitter acrimony, divorce, and then male pattern balding. Enjoy!