Exclusive Invention: The Maramablade (a marmalade blade)

Blade in a field
Our marmablades are grown organically with minimal usage of cries such as “I have the power!” and “Chhhharrrgeeee!”.

Do you want marmalade? Do you also want a BLADE!? Then marmablade is for you! It’s the ideal product to encourage memories of innocuous behaviour alongside a bloodcurdling desire to slake any of your foes. Indeed, this is what marmablade is all about. It’s a blade made, primarily, from marmalade.

If you’re wondering what possible use this could have for anyone, rest assured. We’ve already told you in the paragraph above. Now all we have to do is use neuro-linguistic programming to convince you all to part with your cash. Be wary – ahead there lies dastardly attempts at manipulation that are as sharp as the blade within marmablade.

Marmablade

Why do YOU need a marmablade? Here are the reasons why YOU need to go out there right now and spend what little money you have on our product. The marmablade will transform your life. Imagine how amazing you’ll feel each morning as you awake and are able to announce: “I own a marmablade!” It will be glorious.

If you need further convincing (if you’re too stupid to realise the marmablade will make you incredibly attractive to the opposite sex, incredibly wealthy, charismatic, and will extend your life by an entire 30 minutes), read the following statistics (that have been ratified by the NMA* and MABE**):

  • The marmablade is the hottest marmalade product on the market
  • Without this product, you’re a moron
  • Studies find 90% of women find men with a marmablade to be 3% more desirable***
  • Studies find men view marmablade owning women to be 1% more physically attractive****
  • The marmablade has only resulted in a few dubious accidental fatalities since its launch in July of 2018*****
  • The marmablade is made from natural, organic ingredients*******

If you’re ready to own a blade that’s covered in marmalade, then this is your opportunity! The product is a self-defence snack that also doubles up as a pointing implement. You can also use it to stab at products on high shelves in supermarkets (if you’re a short arse) to bring them down to your level. Yes! What could be better than the marmablade?!

Health & Safety Instructions

The marmablade is not a toy and should not be used to promote activities such as frolicking gaily in an open meadow. That could end with several extracted eyeballs. The product is intended for use as aforementioned: to point at things, to wave angrily at hoodlums, and to acquire objects that would have otherwise been out of reach.

It can be used as a snack, but be aware the marmalade covering the blade makes it sticky and slippery. We found during beta product testing it can lead to grip difficulties on the marmablade, which led to a limb severing for our new apprentice. He is okay and has had the offending arm sellotaped and glued back in place, rubbishing press reports the product isn’t fit for public consumption due to being too dangerous. It’s available now at all dodgy stores priced £100.

*National Marmalade Association
**Marmalade Association For Blade Enthusiasts 
***And 97% more terrifying, deadly, and disturbing
****And 99% less womanly – sexist pigs!
*****For legal reasons, we have to indicate they weren’t accidental and this product is insanely dangerous
*******Except for chemical grade bleach, which is used to clean the product before it is shipped to customers

4 comments

  1. Can I use it with toast? I mean will it slice the toast, and spread marmalade at the same time? Does the marmalade on the marmablade wear off, eventually? Or, is it a type permamalade?

    Like

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