15 Films Improved By Adding “Scurvy” Into The Title

Tangerines
This is not scurvy.

Scurvy, eh? It’s that good old funny sounding thing that’s actually positively horrendous if you get it. So eat your fruit, yeah? Vitamin C. It’s good for your health. Unfortunately, these films forget to eat an orange, so they ended up with scurvy. Oops. Thusly, enjoy the viewing experience, but learn from their stupidity.

Scurvy Now

Grapes being held by big hands

It’s a war zone out there. A scurvy war zone. Marlon Brando stars as a scurvy pioneer who has made it his life’s mission to spread scurvy through the jungles of Jungle Land. The horror!

Scurvy Wars

Blueberries

Luke Scurvywalker is out to rid the galaxy of the dreaded bad guys. Unfortunately, he’s got scurvy so that makes his mission a tad more difficult. Thankfully, Princess Scurvy, Han Scurvy, Scurvy Wan, and a massive hairy monster are there to help him. They’ve all got scurvy too, making this less of a war, and more of a indictment of poor dietary decisions.

Pride and Prejudice and Scurvy

Grapes being held by big hands

Romantic period drama with lots of striding about in flowing dresses, made increasingly difficult as the effects of scurvy cripple everyone’s pride and prejudice.

2001: A Scurvy Odyssey

Blueberries

In space, no one can hear you have scurvy. It’s just as well you’re on an odyssey then, eh? That’ll take your mind off it.

Scurvy Club

Grapes being held by big hands

Brad Pitt wants you to know there are rules in this club. Many of them are hard to maintain as, you know, scurvy and all that, but you try your darned best!

Scurvy in the Rain

Blueberries

Lots of dancing, rain, umbrellas, and scurvy. This upbeat jaunt is no longer upbeat. For obvious raisins.

The Sound of Scurvy

Grapes being held by big hands

Julie Andrews prances about in the countryside singing about how WWII rationing has induced scurvy. Dammit. That’s going to the take the edge off her singing voice.

A Scurvy Orange

Blueberries

In this avant garde piece, we have an orange that has scurvy… how the holy heck can that happen, Stanley Kubrick? This metaphysical slide into the dark, seedy, tangy world of oranges will leave you amazed.

Dances with Scurvy

Grapes being held by big hands

Kevin Costner heads this epic about dancing, despite the fact he has scurvy. Nothing will stop this man! But, you know, maybe have some fruit every now and then, yeah? It doesn’t cost you that much, Costner.

Scurvyworld

Blueberries

Failing to learn any lessons from his previous outing, Costner heads Scurvyworld. This high concept epic is about a world… that’s got scurvy. It’s Costner’s mission to find a goddamn lemon, or something, to restore equilibrium (i.e. no scurvy). Good luck with that.

The Scurvy Hunter

Grapes being held by big hands

Fed up of bloody scurvy doing its bloody thing, a ragtag bunch of vigilantes heads off to mow down scurvy via the use of spud guns, water pistols, and bad breath.

Bonnie and Scurvy

Blueberries

Crazed Bonnie wants to rob banks for a living, but needs a suitable alibi. Scurvy it is! So this prequel to Bonnie and Clyde details her trip into the world of scurvy.

Close Encounters of the Scurvy Kind

Grapes being held by big hands

Richard Dreyfuss forgets he’s Hooper from Jaws and acts it up as a family man obsessed with aliens. Mashed potato modelling? No! The aliens gave him scurvy. 300 million lightyears… just to give a man scurvy? Those aliens need to get a life.

Scurvy Without a Cause

Blueberries

James Dean has scurvy. He no longer has a cause. Never mind the adults offering him various amounts of free fruit, what do they know!? They’ll never understand him and his teen angst (or scurvy). A riveting coming of scurvy film.

And finally…

Four Weddings and Scurvy

Grapes being held by big hands

Hugh Grant keeps going to weddings. He keeps drinking champagne and eating pie and eating cake. He’s not getting any bloody vitamin c! So, he ends up with scurvy. Bummer. You can’t stutter your way out of that one, you stupid Brit. “Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed” – Yeah, as you have scurvy!

4 comments

  1. “Scurvy knave! I am none of his flirt-gills. I am none of his skains-mates.” The best scurvy line ever written, and definitely in the top 15 lines in Romeo and Juliette! It’s great to see out here with the Bard.

    Liked by 1 person

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.