Soup is one of those things you know little about but take for granted like the swine you are. As such, we’re here today to get all didactic. You’re going to learn about soup. You’re going to find out what makes soup tick. You’re going to become a soup connoisseur. You will be a soup master! Are you ready?! Super! Let’s go soup.
What is soup?
Soup is a delicious, mushy, gelatinous substance permeated with nutrients and flavour. The soup can be made of a variety of liquid juices (except bleach) and can be seasoned with sugar, salt, black pepper, marmite, or dandruff. Bread can also accompany the dish.
What should I serve soup in?
Traditionally, a bowl is used, but you can also rely on a trusty bucket to do the job. Other options include ladling the scalding hot soup into a hungry person’s scooped hands. You can also serve soup in a cup, mug, frying pan, teapot, or a large barrel.
What do I eat soup with?
The humble spoon was invented for soup-based eating purposes, but we can also recommend a fork (if you’re on a diet), chopsticks, or just sticking your head into the bowl and slurping noisily.
Hang on… let’s retread some steps: how do I make soup?
Get some stuff, chuck it into a blender, and add at least 10g of salt. Hey presto! You can start a soup business.
Why 10g of salt? Isn’t that a bit unhealthy?
Oh, shut up with your namby pamby, nanny state, PC, leftist ruining of fun! 10g isn’t at all unhealthy. You need to think of your soup competitors – do they skimp on the salt? No! So get a load of the stuff in there and get your customers hooked on artery clogging goodness!
Can you recommend something I shouldn’t add to soup?
Erm… bricks? Indeed, don’t add a brick to your soup. It’d ruin things.
What should bricks be used for, then?
Creating buildings. Plus, smashing stuff.
Couldn’t you, like, blend the brick so it could be a more salient feature for soups?
Okay, we tried this but as soon as our blender attempted to blend the brick, jagged bits of metal broke off and began flying everywhere. Then the blender began hissing violently, caught fire, and we had to throw it (and the brick) out of our office into the street. So, no, bricks and soup aren’t made for each other.
Thank you for clearing that up. So… isn’t soup more of a beverage than a foodstuff?
Many idiots make this error. But soup is not a drink. You cannot stick it into a cup and sup on it whilst you work. It is for the dinner table, where you eat it out of a bowl (or bucket) and comment to somebody else in the vicinity about the excellence of the soup.
Look, I can consume soup through a straw. That’s a drink. Nothing is stopping me from going to see reruns of paris hilton’s underrated “the Hottie or the Nottie” at the local cinema and enjoying leek and potato soup from a litre mug!
Unfortunately, this is in direct contravention of the Soups At The Cinema Act 1998, which explicitly states hot foodstuffs (i.e. soup) are not allowed in a public theatre.
Yeah, well… I’ll bring the soup in cold!
Again, the Act also defines any bringer of any soup (cold or hot) into a cinema will face up to 30 lashings (in public) with a rusty chain due to their insubordination.
Christ… that’s a bit draconian. It’s just soup!
We don’t make the rules.
You’re seriously defending that ridiculous, anachronistic law? A lashing for bringing soup into a cinema?
We didn’t say we defend it, but we’re not not defending it either. We just think there should be rules. There’s nothing wrong with setting clearly defined public boundaries.
By thrashing someone mercilessly for taking soup into a cinema?
As previously indicated, there should be rules. Soup can get very hot. If you spill that on a fellow cinema-goer, you could leave them horribly disfigured for the rest of their life. Imagine having to explain that one to peers and family members – you lost several limbs whilst watching The Hottie and the Nottie as some inconsiderate sort insisted on bringing split pea soup into the viewing.
You’re getting a bit hyperbolic there. I mean, if you could take cold soup in there that would be fine. No injuries from that. Yes?
Unfortunately, the Soups At The Cinema Act 1998 clearly states:
"Theatre owners are not obliged to accommodate the owners of cold soup wishing to view a screening. It must be acknowledged soup is incongruous in any cinema theatre, which includes the foyer, car park, or whilst driving to the venue and discussing the soup/film. Whilst the Act notes cold soup is not as obstreperous as, for example, popcorn, it still has the ability to be lost control of, which could lead to several instances of asphyxiation."
Why is soup such a contentious issue!?
Soup is an esoteric arena few people give due diligence to. This is not simply about mushing stuff up and then consuming it. You have to take into consideration health and safety issues.
What’s the most common health and safety issue relating to soup?
In 2018, it was recorded there were 300 million incidents of slipping on soup residue. This can lead to terrible consequences, such as one man in Bolton, Greater Manchester, who lost control whilst walking and impaled his skull on a Fish & Chips shop sign.
Oh my God! Was he okay?
No. No, he was not. He now has severe PTSD and is unable to look at a Fish & Chips shop without crying like a drunk. On the plus side, he has stopped eating fish and chips and has lost a great deal of weight as a result.
Okay… so soup is more complicated than I could ever have imagined. What do you recommend?
Remember the three Ss to keep yourself on the right side of the law:
- Napkins (to wipe up any soup splodges)
With these three in mind, you should be in a good state of mind in order to avoid maiming yourself in some hideous fashion. Happy souping!