TV Shows That Never Were: Buffy The Hamper Slayer

Hamper
Kill it!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a mediocre 990s drama show starring conventionally good looking Sarah Michelle Gellar and a horde of unconventionally bad looking vampires. In it, she ran around whilst unconvincing looking vampires chased her. It was the hottest thing on television, with millions of pubescent schoolboys fantasising like the cretins they were about Gellar (and possibly vampires).

Decades later, we think the show should revive in the way vampires are, sort of, revived. Indeed, this time around we’re suggesting Buffy the Hamper Slayer. It’s a more family friendly version of the ’90s “classic”. However, it’s also an attempt to shake up the stale old world of handing over a generic hamper as a gift. This monotony must end!

Buffy the Hamper Slayer

Okay, so the show stars Buffy (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course) as she returns to the role of slaying stuff. Much older now, she’s a bit fed up of more generic, mundane things. For example, after she got married (her husband is played by Sarah Michelle Gellar), loads of people left her a hamper instead of something ace. Such as a penknife. Or a bazooka.

Then she gave birth to her first child (played by Sylvester Stallone, transformed by an inspired makeup department). Guess what? More hampers! Then she went in for surgery and some botox. As she recovered… more hampers! “What is this banal sorcery!?” Buffy drawls. This is all in the opening prelude to the show, of course – the “pilot”, if you will. But it’s such experiences that force her to lose it and go on a slaying frenzy.

No hamper is safe from this crazy lady’s insane rampage. Before long, Buffy is a menace to polite society. Birthday parties, weddings, funerals… you name it, everything is peaceful and everyone is having a laugh, then Buffy bursts onto the scene with all guns blazing. Before you know it, half a dozen innocent hampers are lying prone on the floor having been blasted into a thousand pieces. What a waste of money!

Hysterical Hampers

So, that’s the setup. Sounds like a great show, yeah? But you know how Jaws made you want to never go near the water again? Well, Buffy the Hamper Slayer will make you never want to buy a hamper again. Which, of course, would cause mass controversy and upset within the hamper industry. With sales plummeting, the only solution is to get this thing banned from the air!

Now, Professional Moron don’t go down without a fight! Hiring the best cheap and dodgy lawyer available to humankind, we’d put up a solid battle. Bribes, blackmail, and smear campaigns – all effective ways to get a bunch of cheese, chocolate, and wine sporting wicker basket freaks to back down. Yes? We think so, too. No one takes us off the air! Not even Wensleydale.

2 comments

  1. I never saw the Buffy TV show – there was a movie made about 1992 of the same name that was so execrable I figured I wasn’t going to waste 50 or 60 minutes weekly watching more of the same. Turned out later they were quite different, but I’m still not sure I missed anything by avoiding it. Hamper slaying… that’s entirely another matter. Bring it on, I say!

    Liked by 1 person

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