It seems like our FAQs on Valentine’s Day guide just wasn’t enough. Now some foolish man is in touch to ask us for advice on his last-ditch, crazed dating plan for today – Valentine’s Gay. Er… day. Well, we weren’t too impressed with this and we “got real” with him.

Bee My Valentine

Hello yadda blah etc. I'm in urgent need of a date and you're my last ditch effort. If I'm dateless on Valentine's Day again my mates will rub me up with comments like, "Dateless Dave strikes again!" Then they all laugh until I smash my fist into a wall and call them "a bunch of ****s!"

Anyway, this year I've got a plan of action for getting a date. What do you think of it? Here it is:

The Bee My Valentine Plan

I've decided bees are really romantic. So I'm going to cover myself in bees and then women will think I'm extremely brave. Chicks dig bravery. So I'm going to approach women in the street, wearing the bees, and ask them out (the women, not the bees). Then when one of them agrees to date me, I'll let the bees back into the wild and go on a normal date covered only in wasps. 

For the date, I'm also going to stick 10 pairs of socks into my pants to make up for my irregularly small penis. I mean, obviously, I'm going to wear at least jeans to the date. I'm not a total pervert! But I also want to be covered in wasps. Because that's hot to broads. 

What do you think?

Thanks - Dave

Hi, Dave. We don’t condone your Bee My Valentine plan in the slightest. What are you, some sort of sick maniac? We’ve already reported you to the police, so proceed with utmost caution.

May we suggest you, perhaps, pursue Flea My Valentine instead – as fleas enjoy spending time sucking on human blood, you’ll be quite legal with this option and helping the little insects.

However, upon seeing you – and being accosted by the fleas – your date may well flee the vicinity. Keep that in mind. If a date is running away from you at speed, then that is no longer a date.

Alluring Aftershave

The problem here, Dave, is you’re focussing on the wrong things. Chicks don’t dig guys agonising under the assault of bees, wasps, or fleas.

No, women like a pungent man. A man confident in his malodorous stench. As such, you should lather yourself in aftershave. Here’s our bespoke plan of action for:

The Alluring Aftershave for MEN PURSUING Human Females Dating Guide

• Buy 22 lites of the cheapest brand aftershave at your local supermarket.
• Pour 21 litres into your bathtub.
• Clamber into the bathtub (nude or otherwise).
• Marinate overnight.
• Alight feeling refreshed and smelling most glorious.
• Gargle a portion of the remaining litre of aftershave. Swill thoroughly in your gob. Spit contents onto the floor.
• Drink the remaining aftershave.
• Dress accordingly (skinny jeans, loose shirt, gold medallion necklace, granddad jumper etc.)
• Head out into the street and pull.

The overwhelming sense of a man so pungent in his effervescence will be enough to make your average human female gooey at the knees.

Simply approach the woman of your choice, grin, and breath liberally all over her. She’ll either graciously accept your proposal, or pass out on the spot.

Do note, if she does lose consciousness then this is not an acceptance of your date offer. Quite the opposite.

Also, you may suffer a pulmonary embolism due to the aftershave fumes. So only follow the above guide if you’re certain the tried and tested, “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” isn’t going to work.