Great TV Shows That Never Were: Game of Scones

Play the game well, scones.

The last series of Game of Thrones is upon us, but never fear! There’s a prequel we’ve thought up that’s well and truly on the way: Game of Scones.

It’s imperative you say scone correctly to be a true fan of this show. “Scon” is not acceptable. “Sco-wwwn” is the correct approach to take. Anyone plumping for the former is noobie scum and must be told so across vitriolic online forums.

Game of Scones

Set in the fictional world of Scone, the land is ruled over by the wealthy Self-Raising Flour family. It owns 80% of the scones available to sconekind and rules with an iron scone.

The capricious Baking Powder family is at constant loggerheads with the Self-Raising Flours. The former wants more scones! The latter wants them to have fewer.

Over the centuries, wars are waged and fought. But now, King Self-Raising Flour (Arnold Schwarzenegger) wants ownership of 90% of the scones so he can build a nice big mansion next to his other nice big mansion.

In heroic defiance, the Baking Powders unite with the Caster Sugar and Pinch Of Salt families to form an army of 5,000 to take on the Self-Raising Flour battalion of one million.

Undeterred by such a colossal disadvantage, they are deterred by the arrival of devious Machiavellian sort Unsalted Butter (Steven Seagal). He attempts to sway them away from their preference for jam on scones, suggesting houmous or guacamole instead.

As conflict erupts and the world of Scone descends into mayhem, who will survive in this brutal world of cake-like delicious baked goods?

Best Episcones

The show’s fans will dub the episodes “episcones” and will eat nothing but scones during its one and only series.

It’s subsequently cancelled due to appalling viewing figures. Also, there are criticisms for the use of former ’80s action stars in the cast (Dolph Lundgren, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Bob Geldof etc.) instead of “proper” actors.

Regardless, here are some of the highlights from this commercial disaster of a series:

  • The Keystone of Scone: Brave young Baking Powder son Powdy (Mark Wahlberg) heads into the wilderness of Mould to find the ancient keystone that’ll unlock the passage to the Oven District where the very best baking takes place. Upon arrival, Powdy is treated as a God by the flour covered natives (The Flourers). They stab him in the eye with a ladle, chop him up into little bits, and add his bits into the scone mix.
  • Mowing the Lawn: King Self-Raising Flour decides to have a relaxing mow of his mansion’s lawn, enjoying the sunshine and sense of solitude. Unfortunately, he loses control of the vehicle and smashes through the peasant district, slaying many innocents in the process. Oops!
  • Scone Moan: Being a Game of Thrones knock off demands some sort of titillation. And this episode is an hour-long orgy. It’s voted the worst television episode in history.
  • Bake Off To The Death: In an emotional and heated series finale, all of the world’s families bake scones furiously in a mass competition. Unsalted Butter than taste tests them one by one, with the victor coming out alive – everyone else is beheaded by a giant spatula.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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