It’s the Canadian Grand Prix this weekend in Montreal, so we’re in a sporty mood. A great track. A great city. A great reminder of French-Canadian genius driver Gilles Villeneuve – what more could you want?
Well, as it turns out, you could want some sporting haikus from a website run by a bunch of goddamn halfwits. Hurray!
Punching this guy in the face.
His jaw is off and on the floor.
Going to go home and have beans on toast.
Swinging this stick really hard.
I keep missing the ****ing ball!
Now I have a hernia… **** golf! **** it!
Driving this thing really, really fast.
I feel like a mobile gymnast.
A wheel came off and I’m upside down in a ditch and dead.
Tennis for Women
Why is it that I must wear a short skirt?
I am really not that much of a flirt.
I just hit balls for a living.
Tennis for Men
Jesus Christ this game makes me sweat.
I have really terrible BO.
Plus a bad case of tennis elbow.
We’re playing a game in the park.
I just kicked the ball dead hard, me.
It hit an old man in the face and he’s over. Lol.
I don’t know why I play this game.
It’s made my right leg rather lame.
Because big mean guys keep stomping on it.
This sport is so boring.
I’d rather listen to Herman Goering.
That would be reassuring (in obscure, morally correct circumstances).
Skating around on all that ice.
I feel like some terrified hair lice.
But I’m now bald as I’m down and someone just skated over my skull.
Tennis for Giraffes
This species really should not play this sport.
They all look like total dorks.
Basketball would be far more suitable.
Get the ball in the basket.
Just try not to end up in a casket.
That would be one really serious foul.
Go ahead and curl one out.
But, seriously, you don’t need to pout.
What do you think this is, Beach Volleyball?
Running around with barely anything on.
Pretty sure we’re giving the guys a [smut removed!]
This “sport” is a vanity exercise.
I’m climbing Mount Everest with an ice pick.
Because I’m an overly privileged rich prick.
But I also have frostbite on my dick.
I’m cycling really, really fast.
Whoo-wee, this is a blast.
Primarily as I’m high on PEDs.
As I twist about in mid-air.
I think about the 1997 Hollywood blockbuster Con Air.
And how life is kind of unfair – I wanted to be a pilot.
I try to convince my friends this is a competitive sport.
Primarily because I’m really short.
Which is shit for things like rugby.
I are playing this video game.
Some people think I are really lame.
But I have got internet fame (although 235 people sent me death threats on social media today alone).