Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend leaves stubble all over the sink!”

A sink with a towel
A sink with NO STUBBLE!

As we all know, stubble takes even the most horrifically unattractive man and turns him into hunk of the month territory.

Unfortunately, that ensures there are a lot of sinks out there plagued with stubble. To the immense bain of every human female’s life.

Stubble

Professional Moron... I sense a type of irony asking a bunch of idiotic men about this, but hear me out. My name is Doreen. Horrible name, I know, but my parents were big fans of The Doors. 

Anyway, my boyfriend Derek likes to keep some stubble going on his face. But when he shaves, he leaves all those black bits of hair in the sink and it's goddamn disgusting and obnoxious!

I confronted him with a pickaxe about this but he just yelled at me, "Chill out, bae, why you so cray?!" He tried to grab the pickaxe off me, so I started chopping. And I didn't stop chopping until his stubble was all gone. Plus one of his eyes and his left arm. 

Although he almost died due to blood loss, he's said he "forgives" me because I'm "well hot". His sense of male entitlement makes me want to chop more bits off of him! 

Thoughts? Doreen

Hi, Doreen. This reminds us of the song Nellie the Elephant, except the lyrics rearranged to: “Off she went with a choppity chop. Chop, chop, chop.”

Whilst it may be tempting to continue lopping off bits of Derek, that could result in a fatal injury. Unless you want to dump him, that’s not advisable.

The best option is to calmly confront him about his annoying habit (yes, that means no pickaxe). Tell him all he has to do is wash away the stubble with a bit of extra effort.

Remind him such an action is what a thoughtful individual does and you’d find such an action very admirable.

Laser Hair Removal

If he refuses to comply, take drastic steps. Purchase an IPL hair removal device – they’re only circa £500. If you can’t afford that, either steal one or construct a laser cannon using spare bits of laser in your garage.

Next, wait until your boyfriend is passed out drunk. Then you’re all set to go – simply blast his face with the laser device of your choice until all the hair is gone from his mush.

In the days following the treatment, he may complain of severe skin swelling, nausea, and mucus spilling from his nose. Wave off such concerns – tell him he’s a precious snowflake and it’s only a mild case of radiation poisoning.

After three weeks you’ll find he’s fully recovered and is utterly hair free! Never again will he grow any stubble. Never again will he have a beard.

If he grows emotional about this development, buy him a fake beard to wear.

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