Agony Aunt: “I can’t recognise my average Joe husband!”

A man with his head in his hands
“Why? WHY!? Why am I so ordinary!?”

Most people are just average, everyday sorts. And that’s absolutely fine – we can’t all change the world. And not all of us want to be movie stars or Olympic athletes.

But what happens when your overly normal husband melds into all the other overly normal husbands? We help today’s human female determine what to do.

Average Joe

Hi. My husband is an average Joe, which means he doesn't really stand out from the other men. He's not overly good looking, he just looks like a man. But what attracted me to him is that he has a good heart. By which I mean his family doesn't have a history of congenital heart defects.

Other than that, he works in a bank (as a banker) and earns a decent living whilst I stay at home raising our son Joe Jnr. and daughter Jane Jnr. We also have a dog - Ming the Merciless (my son named him that). 

But my husband is such an average Joe I sometimes have trouble spotting him in crowds of other normal men. He just, sort of, merges in with all the others.

When he stands around inferior men (the ugly ones, homeless vagabonds, poor sorts etc.) I can spot him in an instant. But if he's next to average Joe the estate agent, or average Joe the business owner, or average Joe the plumber... it's impossible to tell the difference!

One time I was supposed to meet him in a restaurant on date night. I walked in and knew he was already at the table... but I couldn't spot him. A kindly waiter asked me, "Ma'am, can I help you locate your husband?" And I responded, "He's... an average Joe..." The shame in my voice clearly resonated deep within the waiter's soul, because he dipped his head solemnly and let me pass into the restaurant. After half an hour of ceaseless searching amongst the ordinary people, I left the restaurant in a state of despair. 

Later, my husband returned home and demanded why I kept walking past him and ignoring his gestures. At a loss, I mumbled something incoherent. 

The ironic aspect here is he's also called Joe. And this is only adding to my confusion. I tried calling him Joey for a while, but my average Joe neighbour is called Joey and it often leads to him peering over our back garden fence to see if I'm referring to him.

I fear our marriage of five years will end unless he can do something to differentiate himself from the crowd. The onus is on him to impress me, as I am far from a plain Jane. One guy once said to me, "You're dead fit, you are, love." That proves it!

My husband must buck up his antics or face the wrath of my divorce! Or... am I being irrational? Regards, Jane

Hi, Jane. That’s one verbose way to intimate you have an inferiority complex. You have our sympathies. Your husband sounds like a total bastard.

We don’t think you’re irrational at all, you need to address such issues head on. Joe has to find a better flow, or you can give him a body blow (i.e. punch to the face).

If he’s that average then you’ll need to provide some hints and tips to help him along. Here are our pointers. Get him to read them and, if he doesn’t understand, smack him around the head until he does.

  • Plastic surgery: He needs more of this. Okay, so he won’t ever look like Brad Pitt or Arnold Schwarzenegger, but with the correct surgery he’ll have an enormous penis, rock hard pecs, abs of graphite, and buns of steel!
  • Rob a bank: He works in one, so this should be easy. Then you’ll have some extra money to fund additional operations for you and your family. If the heist goes wrong and he ends up in jail, that’s abnormal – so you’ll be easily able to spot him in future (so long as he remains behind bars). It’s a win-win situation for everybody.
  • Break a world record: It doesn’t need to be the world’s biggest freefall or deepdive. Find something weird like, “The number of marbles stuffed up your nostrils.” Defeat a bunch of those and then you have a world record smashing husband.
  • Become your husband: This is an extreme step, but if you can lock your man into a basement or cupboard then you can become him. Dress in his clothes, do his job, revel in his daily manliness. As such, you can then ensure his deeds are extraordinary. Do whatever you want. Rob that bank, assault your neighbours, spread slander around online. Once law enforcement catches up with Joe then he’ll no longer be so average.

10 comments

  1. Faced with this very same problem I solved it by having Mr. Ordinary wear a Hyacinth in his lapel. No roses, all too common and in every ordinary lapel. We are happy as larks now. Is the Aunt Agony position still available?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m single but aim to attract mates with my constantly revving chainsaw policy. Which sounds like it sounds. By using this tactic, I hope to find my own true chainsaw love.

      As for the agony aunt, you can do a guest post about it if you want. Otherwise this post is mine. Mine. MINE I TELLS YA!

      Like

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