Okay, so yesterday we celebrated the 50th anniversary of the Woodstock festival. That got us in the mood to emulate the event with a festival here in Manchester of England.

Thusly, we have The Professional Moron Festival. It will celebrate three hours of dumb. We’ll hold it in that park down in Fallowfield this weekend.

Everyone is welcome! Entrance fees start at £100 per hour. That may seem steep, but it’s an event you, like, totally don’t want to miss.

The Professional Moron Festival

Okay, so this is a fun event. As such, we shall now expound on the various administerial duties and safety requirements around the festival site.

We shall then discuss the various activities taking place in and around the three hour do. Any questions? You can ask us on the day.

Rules & Regulations

Platt Fields Park is located in Fallowfield. It’s a park. Therefore, it has grass, trees, pigeons, some ducks, and a bit where there are swings and seesaws.

As such, attendees should be on their best behaviour. Here’s a list of things you can’t do during the festival:

1. Pelt live acts with beer, wine, whiskey, or vodka bottles.
2. Sneeze.
3. Run with scissors facing forward instead of downward like they taught you at school.
4. Pickpocket (unless you have a Robin Hood type agenda).
5. Criticise the event in any way.

If you do perform act 5 at any point during the festival, we will sue you for slander as that’s libelous.

CCTV will be in operation and we have 300 voluntary students from Manchester University monitoring all social channels for the slightest opprobrium.

Live Acts

Performances will begin an hour before the festival opens to create a sense of manic desperation for entry amongst the public.

Manchester City Council has qualms over this approach due to fears of a stampede or human crush. We appeased such worries with details on our safety guard cattle prod/taser policy.

Any festival attendees seen to be pushing, shoving, or mouthing off will be dropped to the floor with a surge of electricity.

We couldn’t find enough tasers, so had to resort to the cattle prods as well.

Do note, the lives acts won’t be subjected to any electric shocks during the festival (unless there’s some sort of malfunction with the equipment on stage). This is because they are superior to you.

Also, please note Katy Perry is unconfirmed for the event. We’re currently spam tweeting her with a bot 24/7 until she agrees. It’s 111,054 so far. But no response.

Activities

If you hate music there’s still plenty to be getting on with at the Professional Moron Festival. All ages are catered for!

• Free sandwiches: On white bread only, though, as we wish to keep costs down. Fillings will include ham and jam, bovril, Chorley cakes, fig, and turnip.
• Chainsaw revving competitions: For ages three and upward, there’ll be dozens of chainsaws for everyone to partake! Even your gran can get stuck in. Whoever revs the most maniacally will win the grand prize of a bucket of milk from a Lancashire farm.
• Bazooka auctions: Ever wanted to own a bazooka? Here’s your chance! The auction will commence at 7:00pm with our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, as the auctioneer. Please note: Instead of a gavel he’ll be using a sledgehammer.
• Yodelling contests: Take in the spirit of Europe now that we’re leaving the EU with a bellowing contest! The grand prize is a passport out of this hellhole of a country!

There will also be a bar, but we’re only serving the type of alcohol we all know as moonshine. It consists of brake fluid, pure ethanol, petrol, and a hint of vanilla.

There will also be a variety of teas. Additional food away from sandwiches will include pop tarts and buckets of houmous.

Festival Policies

As a progressive event we do welcome one and all, although some people aren’t allowed. Not wishing to stir up trouble, we just need certain people to stay the hell away. These are:

• Any toddler or children with a propensity for manic wailing or temper tantrums.
• Anyone who voted Leave in Brexit.
• Absolutely no chavs or working-class scumbags.
• No great white sharks.

Although that’s pushing the limits of the paradox of tolerance a bit there, this is for the good of the nation.

But so long as you attend the event, give us your money, and leave alive (or relatively in one piece) we’ll consider it a successful festival.