Exclusive Invention: The Professional Moron First Aid Kit

First aid it with a frog
Frog aid?

First aid is treated with the utmost (upmost?) importance here at Professional Moron. Due to the nature of our work, there are regular and severe injuries occurring on an almost hourly basis.

These range from third-degree burns to open and gaping wounds, plus the occasional bout of scurvy, rabies, and acute radiation sickness.

As such, we have a ready supply of adhesive plasters on hand to cover up the more unsightly injuries. For public decency, you know? We’re British after all.

First Aid

Due to our expertise on gross negligence and casual malice, we’ve invented a kit to help businesses across the world. Whether you sell cheese or you’re a pub that only does gravy drinks, this thing is for you.

Sure, you could buy a “normal” first aid kit full of bandages and all that nonsense. But is that really what you need?

We wager you’d be at a loss for how to help Bob, your apprentice, if he lay prone on the floor with blood spurting from every orifice. Suggesting he drink a pint of bleach to “speed up the process” – no. Unfortunately, under existing employment laws that is not allowed.

As such, we’ve compiled this first aid kit. You can but it from us for £100 ($150). It contains:
  • Jam: No matter how grave and agonising your wound, strawberry jam will help crease your grimace of agony into a borderline smirk (between your screams of anguish).
  • A chainsaw: Perfect for impromptu amputations or just to rev it wildly in the air during a fit of narcissism.
  • Chewing gum: Mint, of course.
  • Bleach: Just to kill all the germs.
  • Semtex: In the name of an emergency.
  • Vegan cheese: In case the victim has a leaning towards progressive values.
  • A washing machine: To wash the blood off clothing with maximum expediency.
  • A DVD copy off the film Titanic: Well, why not?
  • Blood: You can also keep this stored in a bucket on one side of the room.
  • Chewing gum: To chew and stick over any gaping wounds. Oh, hang on, we covered this already. Okay, more gum!
  • A shed: Or at least one plank of wood to act as a splint.
  • Chewing gum: Mint flavour.
  • Chewing gum: Strawberry flavour, in case someone with acute radiation sickness doesn’t like mint.
  • Chewing gum: Marmite flavour.
  • Shakespearean quotes: To lighten the mood.
  • An aadvark: But only if you can get it to agree to climb into the first aid kit.
  • A coffin: To bury anyone who doesn’t make it.

With such optimistic items, anyone with a shredded limb will be bouncing back in no time.

Hopital Moron

Right now, we’re requesting funding from Manchester City Council to fund a secondary element to our health care system.

Professional Moron would nestle beside Old Trafford football stadium to primarily deal with the endless supply of drunken football hooligans.

Dr. Wapojif – a “skilled” brain surgeon – would be able to perform instantaneous open brain surgery on anyone arriving.

And just to be clear, that’s not a typo above. Hopital Moron will require all incubents to hop at all times.

Failure to do so will result in a bazooka being aimed directly at the offender.

Even if the individual has lost their legs, hopping must occur. Hopitals are the future of health care in England as they support a higher degree of physical activity.


  1. Hey! If ya ever need help with that acute radiation sickness, my many hours spent playing the Fallout games probably qualify me enough to cure it.


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