Self-Isolation: Haiku Lockdown Poetic Special

Stay at home in self-isolation for coronavirus
Stay at home and write haikus.

Okay, we’re many weeks into a soft lockdown here in England. We did our self-isolation survival kit for you, our comrade readership.

Even though some vocal right-wingers have helpfully pointed out lockdown is communism, we’re advising you all to stay at home. THAT’S AN ORDER!

Now it’s time for some haiku poetry type things. Because we want to express ourselves in pithy sentences. You hear? Good. Keep it quiet!


Loneliness is like a big old bus.

It makes us want to discuss. 

Why we’re so superfluous. 

Loneliness #2

Loneliness is like a bus.

It makes me want to cuss.

Because I want to ride on a rhinoceros.


The thing about solitude. 

Is people no longer give you attitude. 

So I no longer have to be rude. 


Just yesterday I needed a business citation. 

But I couldn’t get it, because of self-isolation.

Even after I tried some leering flirtation. Bloody feminism.

Panic Buying Bog Roll

This pandemic made me think of my butt. 

And I don’t mean in a way that is smut. 

I just don’t want to hinder my strut. 

Tory Government Incompetence

Boris Johnson said we’d all be fine.

So I went out to a restaurant to dine. 

Then I got a really big fine. Socialist bastards!

Clap For The NHS

I think the NHS deserves our support. 

So I offer it now some rapport.

And when this is all over I’m moving to Azincourt.

Extrovert Boredom

OMG I’m so bored sitting around inside. 

I have really bad cramps in my backside.

To whom do I go and confide!?

Introvert Delight

Thank **** I don’t have to deal with anybody. 

Why isn’t it always like this? 

It really would be bliss. 

Buying Lots of Tinned Goods

I now have so many cans of baked beans. 

It makes me want to move to the Philippines.

To sell them along with smutty magazines. 

Learning New Skills

During lockdown I have learned many new skills.

Such as deliberately avoiding paying my bills.

And throwing eggs at the postman to get my thrills.

Breaking the Law

Today I went outside for a run.

Then I bought a hot cross bun. 

And then asked a police officer if I could steal his gun. 

Robbing a Bank During Lockdown

This afternoon I tried to rob a bank.

With my best mate whom I call Frank.

But it was shut because of coronavirus. Then we was arrested.

Jail During Lockdown

Now I am stuck in my solitary cell. 

It is like the fifth circle of Hell. 

Because I have run out of hair gel.

Acquiring Hair Gel During Coronavirus

Now that I am out on bail.

It is my mission to look like actor Christian Bale.

Although, compared to him, I look more like a whale. 

Cross-dressing During Coronavirus

Today I put on my very first dress.

But I was shocked that I looked like a total mess.

Largely because my teeth were full of cress.

The End of Lockdown

One day things will return to normal.

Then I’ll take an interest in the paranormal.

And lecture people like they’re subnormal. 


  1. I can see a Professional Moron’s Big Book of Lockdown Haiku coming out of this!

    My own lockdown has not produced any haiku. The emergency pile of baked beans collapsed on to the emergency pile of toilet paper which, in turn, collapsed on to me, all on Day 1. I am still trying to dig my way out. Day 29 so far.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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