Ask Dr. Moron: “I’ve sprained my ankle!”

A person lifting their foot up, displaying their ankle behind socks
Do note, wearing socks DOES NOT prevent an ankle sprain.

Ankles are much more important than your average human realises. Such as today’s individual, who’s done an oopsie on her lower extremity. Stupid woman!

Fixing a Sprained Ankle

Disclaimer: We really have no idea what we’re going on about, so it’s best you treat our rambling as dangerously crazed misinformation. 

Dear Dr. Moron. I was frolicking with much gay abandon in the streets of Bolton [Editor: She means she was pissed senseless] just now when I slipped on a kebab left prone carelessly in the street. In the subsequent kerfuffle, I sprained my blasted ankle (the left one)! “Oh no!” I exclaimed, “I’m left footed, whatever should I do?!” And my friend Johnny went, “Go and see a fuckin’ doctor, you bellend!” And he and the others walked off leaving me lying in the street at 4am. As such, I’m emailing you from my phone which is rapidly running out of battery life! Please, your advice will be of much importance at this moment in time! Yours sincerely, Gemma

Hi, Gemma. We waited a couple of weeks to respond as we had some other more important medical questions to deal with (see the ingrowing toenail response).

If you’re still lying there then, well… we guess you’ll have at least recovered from your hangover by now.

Anyway, a sprained ankle is much like scurvy—except it isn’t caused by vitamin C deficiency. And it won’t kill you. Unless you’re stuck on Mount Everest, or something.  

However, your message indicates you aren’t on Mount Everest and are in fact 4,657 miles away from it in Bolton. So, you should be moderately safe from the onslaught of frostbite.

As for your ankle, it’s essential you create a splint to help protect the affected area.

Look around you amongst the litter and rubble of general Bolton town centre life—there’s bound to be a few empty pizza and kebab boxes to fashion into one.

Your Conduct During a Sprained Ankle Emergency

Of course, don’t call for help or you’ll be robbed by the many chavs of the region. Instead, lie on the ground until someone decides to assist you.

This may be a qualified NHS professional arriving in an ambulance, or a kindly charity shop worker coming out of their store to offer you a biscuit and a cup of tea.

Either way, in the great British tradition you should behave in a drunk and disorderly fashion. Scream abuse at whomever comes to assist you and:

  • Claw at their face with your nails.
  • Attempt to bite them.
  • Consistently remind them they’re a “Dickhead!”
  • Spit at them over and over.

It’s important you make them regret their magnanimous career choice/ways in order to vent your rage in a petulant manner.

None of which will speed up your ankle’s recover. Rather, it’ll hinder proceedings.

But in the name of drunken British belligerence, you must uphold nationalistic honour and treat all around you like total garbage.

Then, once you’ve been to hospital to get your ankle bandaged up and you’re discharged from hospital, remind the staff they’re all “knobheads!” as you leave.

You must then return home and rest your ankle. Activities you must avoid include:

  • Far-right marches.
  • Far-right riots.
  • Yodelling.
  • Breakdancing.
  • Driving a Formula 1 car.
  • Kicking someone in the testicles.

It’s also important friends and family refrain from stomping up and down on your sprained ankle. This could make the sprain worse and/or shatter some bones.

Ultimately, you need rest. As such, we recommend inhaling some ether and then chloroforming yourself.

You’ll lose consciousness for extensive periods of time, thusly making the entire sprained ankle experience more expedient.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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