Ask Dr. Moron: “Why am I so dizzy, dammit?”

A dizzy spell in the countryside.
Is your head spinning?

Dizziness is a common issue for people who suffer from dizziness. Dizzy spells can cause dizziness and disorientation.

How do you deal with this? Well, we asked our doctor and he came back with some amazingly bad advice. Hurray!

Advice About Being Dizzy

Disclaimer: No matter how dizzy you are, please don’t trust this terrible advice.

All right? So I've been having these dizzy spells recently. I'm 42 so I guess it comes with the territory. It's weird. I only recently started drinking three bottles of wine a a night and now I'm constantly nauseous and wake up each morning to a massive dizzy spell. 

I down a few Lemsips and aspirins to try and take the edge off the swaying. Then I down a handstand to try and get the blood coursing through me head. Used to work when I was younger.

But I just get worse! It's started to piss me off a bit, tbh. 

Me misses tells me it's all the wine and beer I'm drinking and I tell her to shut her cakehole. Broads, eh?

All I want is me nightly three bottles of wine to enjoy meself and then I have to deal with that bollocks the next day. What gives? Why is life so unfair!? Ta, Jeff

Hi Jeff. First off, it’s important you don’t confuse being dizzy with being ditsy. These are entirely different illnesses.

However, it’s possible to be ditsy and dizzy. But it’s not a state of affairs you should be aiming for regularly.

To be on the safe side, only aim for one or another. Preferably neither. But if you have to do one of them, then being ditsy is probably your best bet.

Anyway, the real problem appears to be the wine you’re drinking. Your wife may be correct in highlighting it’s affecting you badly.

As such, you need to follow the advice in the next section. Ignore all of this section, in fact, and focus on the below (that’s so long as you’re not too dizzy or ditsy to focus).

Alleviating Dizziness

Here in the UK, the NHS provides the following advice:

  • Have a lie down until you’re unconscious and/or no longer dizzy.
  • Get plenty of rest.
  • Drink plenty of water (NB: NOT WINE!).
  • Avoid drinking stimulants in general.

We can’t say we agree with the NHS on this one. So, alternatively, you can try out the following:

  • Don’t have a lie down—breakdance until your heart’s content!
  • Don’t get plenty of rest—enter a 24 hour breakdancing content.
  • Don’t drink plenty of water, breakdance instead.
  • Breakdance.

As you can see, our belief is that breakdancing will cure your dizziness. Have a few bottles of wine before you go for it to get your courage up.

There’s nothing quite like watching a middle-aged bloke, drunk, and trying to let rip on the dance floor. Go for it, mate.


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