Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I stop getting hangovers?!”

A man slumped at a bar hungover with a bottle of alcohol
Indeed.

Today’s human male wonders why his constant drinking is leading to a foggy brain all the time. What a silly billy.

How to Stop Being Hungover

Disclaimer: Do not trust our medical advice, it is useless and idiotic.

Heya. I'm Barry. I've had this problem recently right where drinking seven pints (of beer) a night makes me dead hungover the next day. Wtf? 

It didn't use to be like this. I'm 40. But years back I could do that with no problems. But now!? I wake up in the morning and puke up yellow bile on the floor and feel awful. "Shit!" I says a lot of the time. "This is SO unfair!"

I called the Samaritans to complain about it. I were like, "Oi! What the bloody hell is going on with this!?" And the woman on the phone tried to apologise about it and then I called her a, "Silly bitch!" She's obviously an extreme leftist because she then told me I need to, "Get a grip on reality and grow up." Slag! It's people like her making this country horrible to live in. Traitor!

Anyway, what do you reckon? I need to stop being hungover because I don't like it. It makes me puke and I feel like crap. I've not done nothing wrong. I pay me taxes. I wave the flag. What sort of nanny state PC shit is this when I can't have a few pints without spewing me guts up!?

Or is it... there's not something wrong with me is there? I've not gone soft have I?! Me mates me slag me off if I've turned into a lefty snowflake!

Cheers, Barry

Hi, Barry. What’s important to ascertain here is the nature of your hangovers. Is it accompanied by any of the following mild symptoms?

  • Vomiting blood
  • Dizziness
  • General unpleasantness
  • Death

If you’re not dead than that’s a good sign, as otherwise you won’t be able to update us on your early morning puking. 

Keep a spewing diary and take pictures of what you’re hurling up. Upload the images to social media for the world to see. 

By the sounds of it, we think you’re just going a bit soft in your old age. That’s natural. You can’t party like a 21 year old when you’re 40. 

Do you seriously think you can keep that up? Seven pints a night when you’re, for example, 93? It’s just not physically impossible. 

As such, we suggest you scale things back and embrace your soft side. Do the following:

  • Read government literature on how to not be a lager lout. 
  • Take up drinking wine. 
  • Sign up to your local wine bar. 
  • Have some elocutio lessons (please note, this has nothing to do with electrocution). 
  • Buy a fancy, posh Porsche. 
  • Affect more gentlemanly mannerisms.
  • Stop swearing so much. 

That’s right, you need to become a posho. And that doesn’t mean you can drink four bottles of wine a night! You need to do the following:

  • Sip at the wine glass daintily. 
  • Become more dainty. 
  • Read about how to be dainty. 

So, approach dainty people you see in the street and ask them how they go about being dainty. This’ll hurt your pride, of course, but it’s all about getting your life back on track. 

Then, you’ll find that after four sips of wine a night, you’ll no longer be so hungover. 

Embrace the moment, Barry. It’s time for your to become a pretentious bellend, rather than just a drunken bellend. 

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