Knuckle Cracking at Work: What is the Law?

A man holding his knuckles out to crack them
Crick.

As with employee nose picking and eating apples at work, it’s essential your staff understand your business’ knuckle cracking stance.

In most instances, employers like you should frown down upon the practice. Or you may cringe in squeamish disgust. Either way, it’s your right as a business owner to get angry.

Controlling Workplace Knuckle Cracking

In any workplace, there’s always at least one bad egg with determination in their soul. And the process goes as follows:

  • Sitting in total silence in an office working.
  • One employee feels like they’re knuckles need a crack.
  • The employee cracks knuckles with much exuberance, the silence broken by a sound akin to limbs breaking.
  • Awkward and annoyed silence follows, with many colleagues wishing to smash knuckle cracking employee’s face in.

Is this a common occurrence at your business? Under the Knuckle Cracking at Work Act 1999 it shouldn’t be. The Act stipulates:

"No employee should crack their knuckles with wanton abandon due to the Health and Safety at Work etc. Act 1974, the Knuckle Cracking at Work Act 1999, and the Equality Act 2010.

Failure to control knuckle cracking at work can result in an unlimited fine and/or evisceration (of the company director). Therefore, it is essential to make your business' stance on this bodily function clear. We suggest a no tolerance approach, with public thrashings with a rusty chain should anyone refuse to acquiesce."

As such, you need a policy that forces draconian measures in place to control the issue. Here’s how you do that.

Your Knuckle Cracking at Work Policy

Outline in the document your world views on knuckles. You may, for example, have strong views about them. You may think they’re inferior to kneecaps.

Regardless, you’ll need a separate Kneecaps at Work Policy analogous to your Knuckle Cracking at Work Policy. You cannot have a Kneecaps & Knuckles Workplace Policy, they must be separate. Your employees’ lives depends upon it.

As such, you need to outline in the correct policy procedures such as:

  • Your business’ stance on knuckle cracking at work. For example:
    • Whether you allow it or not (although if you do ban it, be aware staff may make a discrimination claim against you—this could lead to a costly and damaging employment tribunal).
    • How many times an employee can crack each knuckle daily.
    • The complaints procedures for those wanting no more knuckle cracking.
  • First aid in the event knuckle cracking leads to a dislocated finger (or more).
  • First aid in the event a misophonia afflicted employee punches the knuckle cracker in the face.
  • Rage rooms for misophonia sufferers to vent their pent up fury.
  • Free cake on Thursdays to try and get everyone to get along again.

If your business has a toxic work environment due to continuous knuckle cracking, you may wish to have a daily free cakes and drink.

This’ll ensure your employees stay happy and in high spirits, irrespective of the loud cracking and cricking noises.

Outlining Knuckle Cracking Noises

It’s essential you outline the types of noises that qualify as a knuckle crack. As there can be some confusion. For example:

  • If an employee’s gammy knee makes an unexpected crack.
  • In the event of a bone-crunching accident with a photocopier.
  • When an employee places a cup onto their desk.

Your employees may mistake such noises as knuckle cracking, which could create conflict if you have a draconian stance on the practice.

As such, it’s advisable you install CCTV in your premises to keep track of all staff and their knuckle-based antics.

Also, you should hire knuckle guards (like security guards, but for hand-based requirements) to monitor all staff.

They’ll perform daily checks of cartilage wearing to ensure employees aren’t overdoing it. They’ll also thrash staff mercilessly with a baton should you decide to ban knuckle cracking at work.

Ultimately, it’s your business and your staff must abide by your rules. So feel free to be sadistic employer who shows no mercy. Bwahaha etc.

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