Welcome to a possible new series for us. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, did an online course in private detective stuff. He scraped through with the lowest possible grade.

Now we’re certified detectives, we’re going to help our community out with detecting stuff. Starting with today’s human female!

Typical Signs of an Affair

Detective Moron. I'm in need of your help. My husband Gerald, 81, has started lacking energy in recent years. We've been married since 1971! He used to go on marathons, play squash, and was a rather energetic man all round. 

Now he's often tired and just sits about watching TV. Or he "goes to the pub" for many hours each evening. 

I can't say I believe this! I think he's shacking up with some 20 year old floozy!! Please get to the bottom of this. Regards, Patricia

Fear not, Patricia! We got to the bottom of this to sort out the nefarious antics your no good SOB husband was up to.

Using all his guile and investigatory brilliance, Mr. Wapojif put on a cap, got a pipe, and an overcoat. Then he stormed down to your husband’s local pub with a bazooka grasped firmly in his hands.

Barging into the premises, he then confronted your husband by pointing the bazooka at him and screaming obscenities.

Your husband looked startled and on the verge of death, then he passed out in shock. An obvious confession!

You can go and collect him from your local A&E department once he’s discharged (that’s if the bastard makes it!).

Your welcome. Please forward the £5,000 you owe us to our inbox. Thanks.

Official Complaint: Rebuttal Statement

Okay, so after the above (our first investigator job) Patricia complained to local law enforcement about our conduct.

Apparently, she expected a more “subtle” approach that would either confirm, or deny, her husband’s affair. She said, “I didn’t state I wanted you to confront him with a bazooka.”

We responded by indicating she didn’t tell us not to confront him with a bazooka. But this just made her angry.

Anyway, as it turns out, under the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), the Investigatory Powers Act 2016, and the Regulation in Investigatory Powers Act 2000… we broke the law.

After a bollocking from the local cops and a hefty fine (which we’re not going to disclose), we’ve been spared jail.

However, we do have to go off and get a “proper” investigative private detective degree thing. Which is mean. Because it takes time and effort—we prefer an easy shortcut.

So, we went back and re-did our previous online course and this time got a mediocre score. We also wrote down some ideas for what we think makes for good detectiving:

• Always smoke a pipe.
• Do not use a bazooka. This is frowned upon.
• Surveillance is key—learn how to hang from ceilings to keep an eye on people.
• Watch detective films for ideas, such as The Bridges of Madison County and Driving Miss Daisy.

Right, well, we’ve got work to do. But we’ll be back helping people solve crimes before you know it.