Exclusive Recipe: Russian Brûlétte (tasty dessert & game of chance)

Two guns placed side by side with a black background
Dessert for two?!

Do you like crème brûlée? Do you like Russian roulette? Then this is the dessert for you! As it’s a dangerous merger that’ll delight your tastebuds (but probably not kill you).

The Russian Brûlétte Recipe

Unquestionably, this is the most deliciously dangerous recipe in the whole world! Except for maybe that poisonous pufferfish dish in Japan.

But whatever, we’re not on about fish. We’re on about a recipe to liven up any dinner party!

It’s pretty simple. You cook up a crème brûlée. And then you have your handy gun ready. And then you play Russian roulette!

Whoever gets shot, gets to eat the crème brûlée. If the person who does get shot has to rush to hospital, then the dessert has to go in the bin.

Or you play the game again until someone is still alive and able to eat the thing.

Can’t You Just Serve Crème Brûlée?

Yes, but that’d be boring. Let’s face it, your average dinner party is about as dull as watching Coronation Street. It needs livening up!

And the only feasible way to do that is with guns, death, and needless destruction. You scared, you precious snowflake!? *chicken noises*

What Sort of Gun Should You Use?

Russian brûlétte works with any variety of weaponry you can think of. Here’s a list to inspire your imagination:

  • Handguns
  • Pistols
  • Starting pistols
  • Bazookas
  • Atom bombs (if you have one)
  • Uzis
  • AK47s

Do remember, as your Russian brûlétte dinner party can result in fatalities, you’ll need to provide legal waivers before serving.

You’ll also have to inform a deceased’s family members about the event over an awkward phone call.

Follow the below template to ensure the call goes swimmingly:

“Salutations! During a recent dinner party at my residence, [insert name] enjoyed a fine meal of hors d’oeuvres, lobster with a white wine sauce and roasted vegetables, and a variation of crème brûlée. The latter has inadverently resulted in [insert name] gunning himself/herself down. Regrettably, he/she did not survive the incident. I considered it appropriate to contact you with this news, so you can make the appropriate preparations. Commiserations during this difficult time. Please note, I shall be hosting another dinner party next Friday, to which you are invited. Cheers! [hang up the phone]

Do note, the person on the receiving end of the call may become hysterical about learning of the demise of the dinner party attendee.

As such, you may need to sprinkle the above template with soothing platitudes and/or caustic remarks to move the conversation along.

This may include statements such as:

  • Suck it up, man!
  • Calm yourself down, woman!
  • Be quiet, you precious snowflake!
  • No one liked her, anyway!
  • Where’s your spirit of the Blitz, you stupid old fart?
  • If it helps, she was an exemplary dinner party guest.
  • He kindly left a £50 note in his wallet, which I’ve taken as a tip for my excellent dinner party skills.
  • I’d just varnished my dining room door and it’s now splattered with brain matter, I expect you to foot the bill.

When Should You Serve Russian Brûlétte?

As a final note, it’s worth remembering to serve the dish at the end of the meal. Follow a typical three/four-course plan.

Do not serve the dish as an appetiser or starter. Doing so could severely disrupt the rest of the meal due to sudden injuries and the need for ambulances (and occasional police officers).

If you have a lobster steaming away, the last thing you need is a copper pestering you about why you served Russian brûlétte.

But if the police officer won’t leave you alone, or tries to arrest you, attempt to butter him/her up with a free glass of sherry.

If the law enforcer isn’t swayed, you know what to do next. You’ve got a gun. Chase the bastard off your property.

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