In a report released on 25th June 2021, the Americans have confirmed, without any possible doubt, the existence of giant slobbering aliens.
The Preliminary Assessment: Unidentified Aerial Phenomena from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence details many, many, MANY proofs of horrifying beasts from across the universe.
But, of course, you already knew that having read our Alien Abduction Diaries, such as entries like Aliens Seeking Kippers.
Today, we explore the US report in depth (sort of) and laud this over UFO deniers who have denied this stuff with denial for too long!
UFOs: The Truth is Out There (in a US report)
Behold! It’s proof from the US Navy of aliens.
Look at this thing! It makes us weep tears of… something. Tears of belated proof that we were right? Yes. Yes! Those sorts of tears.
— CBS News (@CBSNews) April 27, 2020
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been abducted by aliens many times over the years.
However, he forgot to take his camera on every occasion and so couldn’t prove it definitively to the UK tabloids.
Now the US went and did it for us. Hip, hip, hooray! Like that famous line from Independence Day (1996), oh God, we hope the aliens bring back Elvis.
The Intelligence Authorization Act’s UFO Findings
The IAA was included in a $2.3 trillion coronavirus relief bill by that former US President. You know the one. That one with the blatant narcissistic personality disorder.
Authorised to do their shizzles, the US went and investigated alien things. The report states:
“UAP clearly pose a safety of flight issue and may pose a challenge to U.S. national security.”
The report also clarifies:
“Of the 144 reports we are dealing with here, we have no clear indications that there is any non-terrestrial explanation for them – but we will go wherever the data takes us.”
The Pentagon studied 144 incidents of UFOs reported by navy pilots from the last twenty years. Some could be explained away by natural phenomena (boo, hiss!) whereas others couldn’t.
This all, of course, confirms that aliens exist.
As such, we must prepare to be invaded any day soon and so you should begin stocking up on tins of baked beans and all that jazz.
How to Prepare For an Alien Invasion
With our overlords on the way to wipe out humanity, it’s time to start some prep to ensure your survival. Here’s what you’ll need:
- An underground bunker costing several million to construct (failing that, get an old-fashioned bomb shelter Blitz style).
- Several thousand tins of baked beans.
- Bake a Battenberg cake to save for a special occasion (i.e. surviving the alien invasion).
- Various forms of light entertainment. We suggest:
- At least one woolly hat.
- Some mittens.
- A bucket (for you know what).
After the aliens have invaded you’ll need to remain underground for several thousand years until the aliens get bored and leave.
That’s all there is to it. Keep yourself occupied with mittens and cup-and-ball. That’s at least 30 minutes of entertainment right there.