Many alien abductions occur due to inquisitive beings from another world getting a bit jealous of the luxuries we have here on Earth.

Sandy beaches, haggis, crocs, anti-dandruff shampoos and many other thinks make life pretty enviable here.

And today’s alien abductee champions that! As his experience involved aliens desperte to get their hands on kippers.

Alien Abduction Diary #4: Roger Jones, 65, Brighton

Mr. Jones, a retired former shelf stacker, received a knock on his front door one Sunday morning. It was 9am. Mr. Jones believes this was a “respectable” time to knock on someone’s door.

He went to open the door in his favourite slippers and dressing gown.

Upon opening his front door, he was confronted by the sight of two 20ft slobbering aliens covered in green and yellow mucus, of quite gargantuan and imposing size.

Mr. Jones believed his time and had come and expected to be obliterated on the spot.

However, the aliens instead handed him a written note that stated:

“Hello. We come in peace. We are here to procure Earth’s entire supply of kippers as we have run out on our home planet. Please supply these to us within 12 Earth hours, or we will annihilate the human race with one of our ultra-powerful bombs. Yours sincerely, Piff and Hiff

Mr. Jones says he has always been good at thinking on his feet.

He thanked Piff and Hiff for their message and asked if they’d like to come in for a cup of tea while he sorted out their dilemma.

Piff and Hiff agreed to this development and Mr. Jones rustled up brews and biscuits for his intergalactic guests.

Whilst they sipped from their cups of Earl Grey, dripping alien mucus from their fetid and stinking bodies, Mr. Jones attempted to call the Prime Minister of England.

This proved fruitless, so he called the police department and explained the situation. Mr. Jones told us:

“The police warned me that wasting their valuable time with hoax calls is an illegal act that can result in prosecution. I told them that I wasn’t joking and the two aliens were having a cup of tea in my home at that very moment. I told him they’re particularly fond of digestive biscuits. The police officer warned me again and hung up.”

Mr. Jones then informed Piff and Hiff of the bad news, but added they could buy as many kippers as they liked from the local Co-Op.

The aliens thanked Mr. Jones for his assistance, but informed him they’d be annihilating his species at precisely 10pm that night.

After making this statement, Piff and Hiff began wobbling slightly, before puking on the floor, and keeling over dead.

Mr. Jones told us he had always been too clever.

He’d laced the aliens’ brews with rat poision, aware the British government would never allow the nation’s entire stock of kippers to fall into the enemy’s hands.

With the aliens dead, Mr. Jones rounded off his morning by burying them in his back garden.

When his neighbour, Jim, spotted him and asked what Mr. Jones was doing, he explained he was merely burying some “snowflake, genderless Millennials”.

The neighbours shared a laugh and agreed to meet up next weekend for a few beers and a BBQ.

Type of Aliens

Enormous in size, these aliens don’t speak any form of language and communicate through written notes.

It appears the aliens are benign, but they can become psychotically dangerous if denied cold-smoked fish.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Quite high, given the aliens threatened to wipe us all out in the name of kippers.

However, as Piff and Hiff are dead we must presume, for now, we’re safe from their intimidation tactics.

Miscellaneous Information

Mr. Jones has stocked up on 20 litres of rat poison in the event more of the aliens return to his home asking for kippers.

He’s also bought a stockpile of kippers to ensure he has a ready supply of the fish for his breakfasts.

“I hate kippers!” He told us. “But they’re British fish and it makes me proud. No bastard aliens are getting their hands on ’em!”

Alien Abduction Experience

This wasn’t technically an abduction. But we asked Mr. Jones what he thought of the alien monsters. He described them as, “Bellends”.

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Was this a real experience? We visited Mr. Jones’ home and partially dug up the rotting alien corpses of Piff and Hiff.

Thusly, we can confirm they’re very real. And very dead.

It’s further proof of the danger that lurks above us. Aliens jealous of our fair lands and waiting to pounce with polite letters aiming to con us out of our hard fought produce!

The moral of this story is always to have a ready stock of rat poison at the ready. You never know when you’ll need it.