Remember that epic Dances With Wolves film by Kevin Costner? Well, we think it should be brought back in one way or another.
And so we have a modern take on the idea! This time involving wolves, some unintelligent people, and giant expanses of countryside. Hurray!
The TV Masterpiece of Dunces With Wolves
Okay, so the idea of this is a reality TV show involving stupid people in the wilderness trying to deal with wild wolves.
The contestants are chosen based on their lack of intellectual capacity (i.e. they’re a bit dumb).
However, they’re given a fighting chance of survival as they’re sent into the wilderness with:
- Several Pot Noodles.
- A dunce cap each.
- One packet of bourbon biscuits each.
- A Morse code machine.
- 1 copy of The Character of Physical Law by physicist Richard Feynman.
- 1 copy of The Call of the Wild by Jack London.
Contestants are then flown by helicopter into a remote region of the Northern Rockies in the US. If they’re smart, they’ll read Feynman’s work whilst consuming a Pot Noodle.
They’ll then be in a prime position to head out into the wilderness and prosper.
However, these people aren’t smart. They’re dunces.
As such, they’re more likely to try to eat Feynman’s book (to “ingest” his genius) and then use the Pot Noodles as a self-defence weapon (not realising the bazookas would be more effective there).
The dunces must then dice with death as they attempt to survive, and flee, the remote region. The first one to do so wins the show. The prize is a gas-guzzling truck of their choice!
Unfortunately, and after only one season, the show was dropped as the nanny state, PC, woke, lefties ruining society by suggesting Dunces With Wolves isn’t morally sound.
As such, it was removed from the air.
The show’s presenter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, began howling like a wolf and was left to opine: “If it bleeds, I’ll be back.” Indeed.
The Best Dunces With Wolves Moments
Despite its solitary season, the show had many memorable moments ruined by the WOKE and their LEFTY cancel culture! Here they are:
- Kevin Costner’s Cameo: In the very first episode, Costner arrives in a helicopter to holler advice to contestants. Hovering above the panic-stricken individuals below, he throws them a few bags of Skittles and provides a cheeky wink for luck. Then he returns home to his multi-million dollar mansion.
- Teamwork Doesn’t Pay Off: In one episode, the dunces decide to join forces to try and survive. This backfires disastrously as the contestants bicker over who gets what flavoured Pot Noodle. As they argue, a pack of wolves bears down on them and it all ends in gorging on human flesh.
- I’m a Survivor: Susan (25) is convinced she can scale a mountain and hang-glide to freedom using a hang-glider fashioned out of bazookas and Pot Noodles. This fails and she’s left on a mountainside with a shattered leg. To keep herself occupied whilst awaiting rescue, she tries to read The Call of the Wild but doesn’t understand all the big words.
- Biscuits: In the season finale, the show’s final contestants combine forces to try and persuade the wolves to leave them alone. Using their love of capitalism, they attempt to barter with the wolves—their lives for all the packets of bourbon biscuits. The wolves decide to consume the humans AND the biscuits. Subsequently, outraged viewers accused the wolves of being Marxists.
Due to all of the in-show deaths, Dunces With Wolves was pulled off the air amid much acrimony.
Accused of being too brutal, and too Marxist, from various quarters, the show was eventually classed as a classic example of why humans and wolves probably shouldn’t live together.
I guess none of the contestants are American, since all the dumbest people in this country are gun nuts who would have used the bazooka to shoot Costner’s helicopter out of the sky.
All nationalities are welcome to the Dunces With Wolves experience!