Remember that great fun 2002 thriller called Panic Room with Jodie Foster and… what’s her name? Kristen Stewart! That one.
Well, there’s a sequel! And it’s called Hiccup Room and we’re here to tell you why it’ll win 30 Oscars and become the greatest film of all time.
Hiccup Room: Not Starring Jody Foster
Okay, so in Panic Room some rich lady living with her daughter uses the room in the event of some horror occurring in her home.
Sure enough, some lunatics break in and Meg Altman (Jodie Foster) and Sarah Altman (Kristen Stewart) use the panic room as a safety hub. Nice!
But there’s room for more than one hostility space! Which is why in Hiccup Room an even richer family has a secondary bolted area for family members, visitors, and/or intruders with hiccups.
As we all know, hiccups are very dangerous and can result in death within 100 years if left untreated.
A hiccup room minimises such perils with the help of a 15ft by 15ft steel bolted door which even an atom bomb couldn’t put a dent into.
Thusly, the premise for Hiccup Room plays out.
In this film, Arnold Schwarzenegger takes over the role of Meg Altman. And her daughter is played by Harrison Ford.
The plot revolves around many guests visiting the Altman’s home for dinner parties, during which many come down with a bout of hiccups.
Furious at such impertinence, Meg Altman orders them into the hiccup room until they’ve stopped hiccupping and leave.
However, after several guests can’t stop hiccuping they’re left to starve to death in the hiccup room.
News of these fatalities reaches a local police department, so the second half of the film plays out as a harrowing courtroom drama.
With emotional scenes of tremendous acting, Meg Altman argues that death in a hiccup room is entirely justified as hiccuping is bloody annoying.
In the most famous and moving Hiccup Room scene, Schwarzenegger gives the performance of a lifetime as he emotionally delivers a monologue quite staggering in magnitude (in full drag as Meg Altman, of course).
After just being accused of murder, he rounds on the judge with a highly intelligent and remarkable exposé on the nature of life, love, law, and hiccups.
Of course, as Jody Foster turned down the role, the scriptwriters decided to ramp up the action movie one-liners.
Hence the dramatic drama stuff becoming bogged down with inane dialogue:
“OBJECTION YOUR *HICCUP*! You cold-blooded bastard! I’ll tell you what I think of it. I’ll live to see you eat that verdict! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine! *Hiccup* la vista, baby. *Hiccup*!”
And there! The great dramatic twist of the movie! Just as Meg Altman is sentenced to 465 years in jail, she comes down… with the hiccups!
As bedlam breaks loose, the court descends into anarchy and Altman is rushed into solitary confinement until her hiccups pass.
But, as we all know… will her hiccups ever stop!? Dun, dun, duuuun!
The Hiccup Room as a Cinematic Disaster
With sweeping critical indictments and as a terrible commercial failure, Hiccup Room would be considered one of the biggest movie disasters in cinematic history.
Off its $300 million budget, it went on to recoup $1,000 at the box office.
This led Arnold Schwarzenegger to resent his decision to star in the film. Calling an immediate press conference to vent his anger, the finest Big Arnie Noises were in evidence:
“EAUGH! You cold-blooded bastards! I’ll tell you what I think of your reviews! I’ll live to see you eat those verdicts! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomachs and break your goddamn spines!”
He was accused of lack of imagination and repeating his movie quotes, an observation that enraged Schwarzenegger and caused him to go on an insane rampage.
Due to all of the negative press surrounding these developments, the International Hiccup Organisation pleaded for calm.
It also provided advice on how to overcome a bout of hiccups:
- Hold your breath.
- Watch a horror film (such as Watership Down).
- Don’t pay any attention to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Don’t build a Hiccup Room.
Once Schwarzenegger learned of this statement from the International Hiccup Organisation, he vowed to terminate them all.
And that appears to be the final development in this sorry saga.