Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I stop the hiccups?”

A woman holding her mouth after hiccuping
Dagnammit!

So, you’ve watched Hiccup Room and are now panic-stricken about getting an attack of the hiccups? Well, feel for today’s sorry sad act.

Why? Because he’s got the hiccups! And he wants a cure. And that’s where we come in with our alarming medical knowledge to save the day.

Curing the Hiccups

Disclaimer: Our medical “advice” is terrible, do not pay any attention to it. 

Hi Doctor Moron. Last week I got the hiccups after drinking three litres of bargain bin cider in two days. And now it's ruining my life! I tried drinking more cider to make it stop (figuring if it could start the hiccups, it would end them as well) but now the hiccuping is just worse! It goes like this every minute:

*Hiccup!*
Wait between 5-10 seconds
*Hiccup!* *Hiccup!*
Wait 10 seconds
*Hiccup!* *Hiccup!* *Hiccup!* *Hiccup!*
Wait 5 seconds
*Hiccup!*
Wait 5 seconds
*Hiccup!* *Hiccup!* *Hiccup!*

On and on and on like that! Now I've got a job as a customer service desk specialist at the local supermarket and often have to do them in-store announcements for colleagues. Like this, "Colleague announcement, can Janeen come to aisle six where there's a tin of baked beans on the floor?"

Well with the hiccups that's now a horror story and the bane of my existence! It's like this, "*Hiccup!* Colleague announcement. *Hiccup!* Can Dave please... *Hiccup!*... can Dave come to the horseradish aisle to... *Hiccup!*... mop up the sick, please? *Hiccup!*"

And I can hear everyone in the store laughing at me because of the hiccups and how they think it's FUNNY that I have the HICCUPS and can't STOP! Well I never! I was so angry about it on Friday that I got back on the tannoy system and went, "*Hiccup!* You bastards might think it's funny, but... *Hiccup!*... I don't think it is! If you keep laughing I'm... *Hiccup!*... coming out there to find you all and... *Hiccup!*... tell you what for! *Hiccup!*"

And they all continued laughing! So I went straight to the vegetable aisle and took a swing at a small, fat bald guy laughing at me. And well he punched me in the belly in "self defense" as he put it and winded me. The boss found out and now I'm up for a disciplinary hearing! 

AND I CAN'T STOP HICCUPING! HELP! Yours, Gerry

Hi Gerry. Hiccups can be life-threatening so we recommend you dial for emergency services immediately. They’ll put you into intensive care and may need to:

  • Amputate several limbs (usually the legs, so you can’t walk around and spread hiccups—they’re highly contagious).
  • Perform open heart surgery.
  • Sew your lips shut.
  • Scream into your face (the thought process being it’ll frighten the hiccups out of you).
  • Put a Hiccup Hat on you and send you back into society, so that other people know you have the hiccups and can take a wide berth.

If the hiccups don’t go away (i.e. a terminal case) then you’ll need to wear the Hiccup Hat all day, every day. Here’s further prognosis.

The Hiccup Hat’s Dire Prognosis

Unfortunately, if the doctors fit you with the Hiccup Hat then you’re not long for this world. This is like a dunce cap, but it’s for the hiccups.

Sadly, it means you’ll hiccup yourself to death. This is an annoying, tedious, and tiring process where you’ll eventually:

  • Be hiccuping at least 350 times a minute.
  • Have whiplash due to endless hiccuping.
  • Be unable to eat or drink due to the hiccups.
  • Become entirely entrenched in a world of hiccuping where the only thing you can think or do is related to the hiccups.

The hiccuping can become so severe you’ll eventually be vibrating back and forth at such a rate you may well explode.

Throughout this ideal it’s against the law to remove your Hiccup Hat, so make sure it’s fitted snugly onto your bonce.

And then, and only then, can you await the comforting embrace of nothingness. We hope this cheers you up and is of assitence, Gerry.

20 comments

  1. I have the sure fire way to cure the hiccups. Never fails. Simply get an 8 ounce glass of water and lean over and drink it from the far side of the glass. It feels awkward but if you drink it down your hiccups will be gone I guarantee it

    Liked by 1 person

    • Is there any danger of drowning to death with that method? It sounds insanely dangerous! Also, what happens if you can’t lean? Is bending acceptable? I believe this method needs a full scientific investigation before it has any veracity!

      Liked by 1 person

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.