Strange Simon’s Sadistic Supermarket is the WORLD’S FIRST all-inclusive, passive-aggressive, demented supermarket!
Shop here and you’ll receive an automatic 50% discount at checkout!
However, that’s on ONE condition—if you survive the shopping experience. Mwahah. Mwahaha. BWAHAHAHAHAAAaaa!
Shop Until You Drop (dead or otherwise)
At Strange Simon’s, you’ll always be greeted by a smile!
That’s because all of our employees are on drugs and have narcissistic personality disorders! Thusly ensuring their narcissistic smirk will put you at ease and/or dismay!
Yes, they may well help you to the world foods aisle. But what’s their ulterior motive!? Do they even really care if you get that can of żur!? Why are they smirking!? Why are they brandishing that metal baton!?
That’s right, you’re in Sadistic Simon’s! You may just be after your weekly big shop.
But we’re gonna put you through Hell getting there! The moment you enter one of our stores, you’ll be forced into an Indiana Jones extravaganza. You’ll contend with:
- Many and varied deadly booby traps!
- The aforementioned unstable customer service staff!
- Wild lions and rhinoceroses stampeding at will!
- Muggers lurking down aisles!
- David Icke handing out leaflets about the lizard people amongst us!
- Till staff armed with bazookas instead of barcode readers!
- Darth Vader is the store manager!
- Jar Jar Binks is the customer announcement clerk!
- Rap music plays at all times and at deafening volume!
- The store is always out of wholemeal pitta bread!
And just when you thought your ordeal was over, as you leave the store with your supermarket snipers will open fire on you!
Run, run, run! Dash for your car and hope they’re not up to WWII’s legendary Simo Häyhä and his otherworldly standards!
Tips on Surviving the Strange Simon’s Sadistic Supermarket
Well, there’s a cost of living crisis! That 50% discount on your big shop would go a long way to ensuring you can pay your electricity bill!
So, to give you a head start, here are the tips that’ll get you through the supermarket in one piece! Follow this guide and you’ll be back home safe and sound to watch The Wombles before a sniper shot can shatter your spinal column!
- Duck and weave: Do this as much as possible. Got a bad back? Then you’ll be slain by hungry elephants, we’re afraid. So make sure you attend the store at the peak of your physical endurance!
- Weave and duck: The inverse of before. Combine with ducking and weaving to create a flamboyant dance pattern.
- Do the hokey cokey: Put your left arm in, your right arm out. In, out, in, out, you shake it all about.
- Dig the Dancing Queen: The better versed you are with ABBA’s hits, the better chance you won’t be obliterated. Little known fact is that Dancing Queen is an excellent tune to assist you with avoiding grievous bodily harm.
And that’s about it, really. Once you’re in the store, you’re on your own! Best of luck!
A Message From Our Charismatic CEO!
And now it’s time for a note from our CEO, the one and only Mr. Strange Simon!
“Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, shake the tree. Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple, grind coffee. To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees. Come and dance every night, sing with a hula melody.”
Still think you’re heading to your nearest Tesco?
Well, if you don’t shop at Strange Simon’s there’s a 1 in 300 chance he’ll fund an assassin to take you out! Happy shopping!