As with tuna in the workplace, turmeric poses serious issues in any working environment. Particularly offices, but also barbers. Spices can get in a customer’s hair, which can lead to a violent ruckus. This is bad for business.
Any violent ruckus is bad for business (unless you run a business that specialises in violent ruckuses).
As such, it’s essential to have clear workplace guidelines on how to manage spices such as turmeric. The survival of your very being may depend on it.
The Key Turmeric Employment Laws
The Spices at Work Act 1972 was established to govern the use of spices in the workplace. Section 47 (B) on page 345 states:
“Spices in the working environment should be handled with extreme care, in the same manner one would deal with nuclear waste and/or any types of explosives.
However, the spice turmeric is specifically targetted in the Turmeric at Work Act 1974. On page 546, section C indicates:
“Turmeric in the workplace is allowed under The Spices at Work Act 1972. However, you should adhere to health and safety practices to ensure employees and/or customers avoid suffering a horrifying accident due to it. You will need to provide:
a) Proper ventilation in your business (preferably with the roof off so loads of air can get in, or try and have your office in a field somewhere).
b) Adequate lighting so that no one accidentally picks up rat poison instead of turmeric powder.
c) Adequate lighting so that employees can handle the turmeric with due car and attention.
Additionally, and to avoid confusion, it must be noted that no one under the name of Eric is legally allowed to hold turmeric in the workplace.
Therefore, it is strictly illegal for any employee named Eric (even if that is merely a nickname) to be within 5ft of turmeric.
Any employer (or employee named Eric) found to be in breach of this rule will be shot dead with a cannon.”
It’s also your duty of care as an employer to make sure employees don’t have turmeric stains on their clothing. Particularly anyone called Eric.
As such, you should command your employees to wash their clothing daily to ensure no signs of turmeric are visible on their person.
You should also discourage staff from wearing anything that’s yellow, as this may be mistaken for a stain. For example, a yellow jumper may be mistaken for a giant turmeric stain, resulting in death by cannon.
This rule is stipulated under the Turmeric at Work Act 1974. It notes on page 763 in section D:
“Turmeric at work can cause major stains on workplace clothing, which can lead to the collapse of your business due to a tarnished reputation. Employees arriving to work with yellow stains should be ordered to strip naked immediately and work nude throughout their shift if they have no access to other clothing.
If the employee in question asks for some item of clothing to hide their modesty, you can either:
a) Give them a pay cut.
b) Fire them immediately.
c) Demote them.
d) Send them home on garden leave.
Due to all of the above, it’s good business practice to not keep bowls of turmeric randomly about your working environment.
You should also hand out propaganda leaflets besmirching the spice, putting the fear of turmeric into your employees so they stick to more family-friendly spices such as The Spice Girls.
The Spice Girls at Work Act 1997
Due to the sudden popularity of pop band The Spice Girls in the late 1990s, a new Act was introduced to curb the excessive playing of the band’s music at work.
The Spice Girls at Work Act 1997 is said Act.
In section 12 (A) on page 2,045 there’s a clear delineation on the requirements of employers to employees regarding the music:
“Employers must, within reason, seek to play The Spice Girls’ music if sufficient employees within said business request this to be a desirable outcome.
As a standard case, if your business maintains a workforce of 150 employees and 101 of them command you to play The Spice Girls’ hits throughout the working day, under international law you must adhere to their demands.
Failure to comply with this requirement will lead to an employment tribunal, a ruling by The International Court of Justice, and the likely outcome of your business being bulldozed to the ground to make way for a more Spice Girls friendly working environment (such as a Starbucks).”
The Turmeric and Spice Girls at Work Act 1997 was introduced in 1997 to handle the requirements of the pop band and the spice at work.
However, due to The Spice Girls’ subsequent disbanding, and further subsequent reunions between 2007–2008, 2012, 2016, 2018–present, the Act has been adjusted thus:
- The Turmeric and Spice Girls at Work Act 2007-2008
- The Turmeric and Spice Girls at Work Act 2012
- The Turmeric and Spice Girls at Work Act 2016
- The Turmeric and Spice Girls at Work (Miscellaneous) Act 2016-Present (And Potentially Indefinitely)
The Act stipulates no turmeric must be present when any Spice Girl (including Posh Spice) is in a 30 mile vicinity.
Additionally, employees mustn’t (under any circumstances) consume any turmeric whilst listening to the pop band.
Bands that are safe to listen to around the spice include (but aren’t limited to):
- Black Lace
- The Cheeky Girls
- Celine Dion
American garage punk band Diarrhea Planet is also acceptable.