Before we begin our sales pitch to you halfwits, first a correction that’s been mandated by the Advertising Standards Authority.
Berserk Barry’s Bombastic Bin Collections DOES NOT provide the “best bin collection service IN THE WORLD!!” In fact, our CEO Barry is obliged to inform you:
“Berserk Barry’s Bombastic Bin Collections is the laziest, and de facto worst, bin collection service in the UK. And possibly the world.”
Our binmen are also not all singing, all dancing and are not encouraged to do so. In fact, most of our employees are dour, burned out, and depressed due to the poverty wages we pay them.
Well, now we’ve got that ringing endorsement out of the way, let’s get you signed up, ready, and waiting for our QUARTERLY bin collections!
The Most Berserk Bin Collections
Before we continue (again), do remember the Binder bin app is sponsoring this sponsored post. Find your dream bin today!
And while you’re at it, sign up to Berserk Barry’s! Our service works like this:
- You pay us £3,000 a year.
- We collect your bins FOUR times a year!
That’s right! No contracts. No upfront fees. No hidden expenses.
Just give us £3,000 and you’re all set for the rest of the year, safe in the knowledge we’ll be round with our helicopter to collect your bins each quarter.
That’s right! Get to the chopper! We’ve got a helicopter that we’ll swoop in over your premises to get your bins.
The bins are then airlifted to Dover and dumped into the sea!
If you’re sick to death of those annoying binmen clattering around outside your property every fortnight, we’re the service for you!
Frequent FAQs for Berserk Barry’s Bombastic Bin Collections
Here are some FAQs our customers regularly ask, so you’re in the know and so you’ll stop bothering us with your goddamn inanities.
Can’t you collect our bins more than four times a year? By the end of each quarter we’re so overrun in filth the rats have moved into our property!
No. To do that, we’d need to raise our prices to fund more helicopter trips across the country. And that’s very expensive.
As we’re committed to providing the best value for money, we’ve set all customers to quarterly bin collections. It’s the best solution for everyone!
Should your property become overrun with rodents, simply call pest control.
Why do you dump our rubbish into the sea? Isn’t that bad for the environment?
We don’t really think about it like that. Out stance is that we’re providing nourishment to the ocean so the fish have something to eat, hide under, and frolic amongst.
So, when you think about it, what we’re doing is really magnificent.
What’s wrong with Barry? Why is he so berserk?
Barry refuses to seek psychiatric assistance for whatever ails him, preferring instead to channel his psychotic rages into bursts of bin collections. He told us:
“Rather than going on murderous rampages, I’ve decided to contribute to society by ensuring rubbish is removed from the streets and dumped into the ocean. I expect to be knighted in the years ahead.”
You said there’s no contract, so why did you make me sign a contract before signing up to your service?
Ah! What you signed is indeed a legally binding contract, but you can cancel this at any time for the meagre cost of £5,000.
As such, we tend to view the contract you have with us as a non-contract as it can be cancelled.
This logic isn’t recognised by any contract recognition board, but 99.9% of our customers never cancel* their contract with us due to the excellence of our service.
*And, as we’re legally obliged to inform you, as 99.9% of them cannot afford to cancel the contract.
Your service is shit! Get me off this goddamn contract, now, I’m living in goddamn effluence you bastard conmen scammers!
Berserk Barry’s Bombastic Bin Collections is a fully registered and legitimate business. We work hard for a living and resent any negative implications towards our good name.
That’s why we offer a 50% discount for customers extending their contracts for a second year!
At only £1,500 for QUARTERLY bin collections, our loyal customers get better value for money than ever before!
It’s the most binlliant deal of the century!