Those BLASTED aliens! They’re at it again! Not content with abducting humans left, right, and centre, now it’s one of the greatest instruments of them all!
What is the universe coming to when harmless violins are facing total extermination from a species of slobbering lunatic beings!?
Well, today we have a most moving tale of a man and his love for the violin and his hatred for those who’d take them from him.
The Alien Abductee: Professor Richard Daniels, 65, Bolton of Greater Manchester
That’s what Professor Richard Daniels, Head of Strings at the University of Bolton, discovered on the weekend of 23rd April, 2022. He told us:
“It was the most beastly of days! Precipitation of the most ghastly extent besieged the region and I was of two minds not to even leave my house! Then I remembered I had to buy some sausages from Marks and Spencer as I was in the most desirable mood for sausages. Thus, I alighted from my home and ambled my way to my motor vehicle. It was at this moment that a small alien spaceship shot out of the sky with alarming rapidity. This craft was no more than two feet by two feet.”
Professor Daniels noted he was so terrified by this development he fouled his trousers. But he has asked us not to include this information in our report.
He continues with his haunting abduction experience:
“It hovered before my visage for a moment, then a small doorway opened. There stood a diminutive yellow alien. It shouted at me, ‘You! Where are your violins?!” I was taken aback by such impertinence! ‘Sir, do you mind? I am Professor Richard Daniels, Head of Strings at the University of Bolton! You shall speak to me in a tone and manner befitting of my status!’ And the alien appeared both shocked and surprised.”
By pure coincidence, out of the over seven billion people on Earth (most of whom know very little about violins), the aliens had unknowingly targeted a violin expert.
“The alien looked at me and said, ‘You’re an expert on violins?’ And I said, ‘Sir, I am the Head of Strings! It is my life’s work.’ The alien then slapped his knee and said, ‘Shit! What are the chances of that!? You’re the first fuckwit we approached on this stupid planet and all!’ I was most shocked by this individual’s obscene behaviour.”
What followed was a 10 minute discourse on bad language and appropriate conduct, with Professor Daniels lecturing the alien sternly.
“In summary, I said something to the effect of, ‘You should speak to your elders as you, too, wish to be spoken to!’ Then the alien dropped his trousers and started mooning and groping himself at me. I said, ‘Sir, given the undersized nature of your genitalia, that is not something you ought to be proud of.’ I was most satisfied with this rebuttal.”
However, the alien wasn’t most satisfied with Professor Daniel’s rebuttal.
He then pulled out a space gun and shot Professor Daniels, which reduced him to the size of a pea and yanked him into the spaceship.
Over the next hour, Professor Daniels reports being led around the ship and shown the Violin Destruction Room and various other appalling signs the aliens have it in for violins.
“I was appalled. They got all the violins into the Violin Destruction Room and then a group of them would smash endlessly at the violins with hammers, their bare fists, and even their buttocks. It was so horrific I dropped to my knees and wailed, ‘NOOOOOOOOO!!!!’ It seemed appropriate at the time.”
Professor Daniels then engaged the aliens in a long and tedious lecture about social conduct and etiquette, principally focussing on not smashing up violins for no reason.
The aliens appeared to find this lecture arduous, as after two hours of debate they returned Professor Daniels to his home and booted him out of the spaceship.
By this stage it was 8pm in the evening and Marks and Spencer had closed for the day.
Dissatisfied by this development, Professor Daniels went into his home and wrote a strongly worded email to Marks and Spencer complaining about the store closing so early in an, otherwise, 24/7 supermarket culture.
Type of Aliens
Minute, violin hating, and obscene, these aliens may be technologically advanced, but their social conduct is like that of a petulant teenager.
They appear brutish and delight in pointless violence, but also have a low threshold for long and rambling lectures from senior educational figures.
That would indicate the aliens have short attention spans and, potentially, ADHD.
Alien Threat Level Rating
Minimal. Does our verdict surprise you. alien abduction enthusiast?
Well, we believe if the aliens want to smash all of Earth’s violins up, we can simply make more of them once the species has clear off back to their home planet.
Alien Abduction Experience
Professor Richard Daniels was distinctly unimpressed by his alien abduction. He told us:
“I was distinctly unimpressed by the alien abduction. I found the aliens to be rude, petulant, and they are philistines. Given the opportunity, I advise the Federal Bureau of Investigation or any other ruling body on this matter to blast these annoyances out of the sky with nuclear weapons.”
We second this verdict. Whilst the aliens don’t pose too much of a threat, it’d be easier to do this and have done with the issue that way.
And we can just deal with the radioactive fallout later, safe in the knowledge this violin hating species has been removed from existence.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Overall, we think these aliens are simply mischief makers with too much time on their hands.
It’d be more worthwhile for them to actually learn how to play the violin, rather than touring the universe to exterminate them all.
However, the discovery of this species does indicate that, no matter how technologically advanced a species may be, you’ll always find louts lurking somewhere in the dark recesses of the universe.
And that is why we need more atom bombs to ensure our safety.