All right? Gary the Geezer’s the name, running Geysers & Geezers is the game!

What’s that then? It’s a geyser pub. It’s a pub… in a geyser. You got a problem with that!? YOU STARTIN’!?!?

You better not be! Because if you like hot springs prone to intermittent blasts of boiling hot water into the air, this is the boozer for you!

Geysers & Geezers: Where Merriment Occurs (and third-degree burns)

Ey up, I’m Gary and I’m writing this right after I fell over in public. Then I defecated in the street. I’ve got my act together all right!

Oh yeah, and I’ve got long-term third-degree burns down the right side of my body.

No, I wasn’t in a war! It’s just Geysers & Geezers. It’s a REAL pub for REAL men. We’re real men here! No snowflakes in this pub! We do:

• REAL ale that’s 100% real
• REAL pork pies that are 100% pork pies
• REAL drunken barroom brawls that are drunken and brawl-based
• REAL homophobic and racist chanting

It’s not that we’re racist. It’s just that, yeah, well we are really. And that’s probably because we’re as thick as shit.

But in the name of protecting our egos, we go all-in for pretending our beer-swilling wisdom is drunken philosophising and we know best.

You don’t need an education when your education is the hard knocks of life, living a little, and finding funny looking foreigners a bit weird.

What About the Geyser?

What geyser? [Geyser explodes in a hot blast of air and scalding hot water right next to Gary] Oh, right, that geyser.

Yeah, that’s to impress the birds. Chicks dig it! There’s nothing that screams “ladies man” quite like a geezer getting drenched by a geyser, promptly screaming in agony, and bagging a number in the process.

All the birds love a scar.

That’s why while I type this, having just been covered in searing hot water and gritting my teeth through the agony, I know I’ve impressed some birds.

Sure, no one’s given me their number before. Ever. And that makes me feel a little sad inside… it’s like women just go for SNOWFLAKES these days and can’t handle a real man. What’s the world coming to!?

Drinks & Food at the Geysers & Geezers

While you’re visiting my pub, why not place an order? Our chef is also covered in third-degree burns from the geyser (and all the deep fat frying). We’ve got:

• Fish & chips
• Beer
• Bangers & mash

That’s kind of it, to be fair. But the prices are cheap! And if you’re dead lucky, a well-timed blast from the geyser will cover your meal in boiling hot spring water.

AND THAT’S COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE!

So, ladies, come on down today to see hot geezers, hotter geysers, and to bag yourself some of the finest bangers & mash in town.