The perm. Waves, curls, and majesty. Truly, it’s the greatest hairdo in the history of time. Yes! Greater even then the mullet. GREATER EVEN than Dr. Brian Cox’s mighty mane.

It’s enough to make other hairdos jealous. Check your hair right now. Is it angry? Is it leering at you, spitting, and pulling funny faces?

Well, as with today’s human female you’ve got a choice. To perm or not to perm; that is the hairdo. And we’re here with our “expert” medical advice to help.

To Perm, or Not to Perm

Disclaimer: For the love of God, don’t listen to a word we’re on about here. This is seriously awful medical advice and completely wrong.

Dear Dr. Moron. I have this problem with my hairdo. This month, it's come to life and is harassing me and being verbally abusive. I really find my hair to be the rudest and most obnoxious thing!

The problem? It wants a perm. I don't want a perm. It didn't take long for this to just be a constant, scathing argument. I just feel a bit ridiculous going about in, like, supermarkets having furious arguments with my hairdo. And it's really mean, too! It'll be like:

Hairdo: "BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! GET ME A PERM! GET ME A PERM! NOW! NOW!! NOW!!!"

And I'll be all like:

Me: "God, hairdo calm down!!! Stop being such a stress head! And I'm not doing that because I don't want a perm!"

Then hairdo gets all like:

Hairdo: "DO YOU WANT DANDRUFF!? DO YOU WANT NITS!? I'LL GET A PLAGUE OF THEM ALL OVER YOU, SLAG!"

So, yeah, after that threat I went and got a perm. But then hairdo wasn't happy with the results and demanded I try a different hairdresser.

Me: "What? But that haircut cost me over a hundred pounds! We'll have to wait until next month until I get it done again. Besides, I like it!"

Hairdo: "BITCH! I LOOK AWFUL! A SHOWER OF SHIT UPON YOU! GET ME A NEW PERM! GET ME A NEW PERM! GET ME A NEW PERM! GET ME A NEW PERM! GET ME A NEW PERM! GET ME A NEW PERM!"

And hairdo kept screaming "GET ME A NEW PERM!" over and over. We were in the supermarket at that point. Tesco, looking for a nice tub of ice cream because I wanted to watch Titanic and have a good romantic cry. 

Instead I've got this psycho head of hair that won't stop screaming sweet bloody murder. What do I do? Thanks, Hannah

Hi there Hannah. First, we must address the Titanic issue.

A “good romantic cry”? What sort of sadist are you!? The ship hits an iceberg, sinks, and everyone dies. There’s nothing romantic about that. Understand?!

Second, we must address the hairdo issue.

What you’re suffering from is known in the medical community as talking hair syndrome (THS). Little is known about it at present, but The International Talking Hair Syndrome Foundation is working 24/7 to find out more about hairdos and their exorbitant demands.

Just last week, a hairdo belong to a man in London demanded he style his hair live Elvis Presley in the ’50s.

The man argued it was an impossibility, due to the extent of his male pattern balding. The result? The hairdo went ballistic. Eventually, a riot squad was called in to restore order.

To avoid being truncheoned mercilessly by angry police officers, we suggest you take the following safety procedures:

• Switch to a shampoo and conditioner all-in-one
• Wrap a hairnet around your skull whenever you’re in public
• Do not listen to your hairdo’s demands
• Hang anti-perm propaganda around your living quarters
• Belittle perms at all given opportunities

The above steps should brainwash you over time. And this brainwashing will seep from your grey matter into your hairdo, which’ll eventually shift thought patterns and maintain a volatile anti-perm campaign.

Of course, then the hairdo will just rant angry invective against perms.

The trick is to get it supporting a haircut you really want to have. For example, if you both want air bangs then you can reach an agreement and sort yourself out there.

At the very least, that’ll shut your hairdo up and you can lead a normal and productive life free from dandruff, nits, and unspeakably profane outburts.