Over the course of July 2022, many millions of traffic lights were abducted by a belligerent alien species.

The traffic lights were taken indiscriminately, although 74% of them were abducted from Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Professional Moron investigated to determine how global governments should respond to the greatest known threat to automatically operated coloured lights designed to control traffic flows in urban, suburban, and rural areas.

The Alien Abductees: Several Million Traffic Lights With Many Witnesses

Thousands of diminutive, fluffy, purple aliens of around three feet in length invaded Earth from the beginning of July 2022.

Whilst abducting traffic lights all across the world, they disseminated an aggressive leaflet campaign which stated the following.

“~]]]{{{ ]###][[[ ]###[[[“

The world’s leading language experts were brought to the case to decode the alien speak. After one week, it was translated into the following.

“lol you stupid woopid earth people are so stupid and smelly! ROFLMAO! we’re taking your STUPID WOOPID traffic lights because they SUCK. you dont even have HOVER CARS yet LOL how SAD are you ROFLMAO!”

A secondary series of leaflets were also translated, highlighting the alien species’ issues with the Earth’s brilliant, Universe-leading, truly EXCEPTIONAL traffic lights systems that these DEGENERATES are defaming!

“your traffic lights are SO STUPID! green, yellow, red… STUPID! on OUR PLANET we do green, yellow, BLUE! Blue is a MUCH BETTER COLOUR THAN RED and you OFFEND OUR VERY EXISTENCE with these STUPID WOOPID traffic lights we use! Ergo, we have travelled 77 billion lightyears to Earth to DESTROY all your STUPID traffic lights you stupid silly billies lol”

After the initial abduction period, the aliens detonated all seven million of these STOLEN traffic lights in and around Earth’s orbit.

This has contributed significant space debris in our orbit and has also severely disrupted traffic flow in near countless cities worldwide.

Famous astronomer Dr. Arnold Schwarzenegger (the other one) told us the following.

“On a cosmic level, it was spectacular and something we have not seen before. From a level of morality and decency, it was a rather bad day for traffic lights, traffic light production companies, and the Earth’s road users.”

He went on to clarify the following.

“This is clearly an act of war. I would advise all of the world’s governments to unite and begin bombing the shit out of these bastards. Just go mental. We are not getting bossed about like this! Send all our best atom bombs in their direction and see how they respond.”

The aliens returned for a second wave attack in early August 2022, abducting a further 112 million traffic lights.

They took them to the Moon, placed them in a giant pile, and blew them up with a giant space laser. Those SOBs then openly jeered at planet Earth whilst flipping the bird.

This will not stand! Such flagrant mockery of one of humanity’s greatest technological achievements is an insult to:

• The inventor of traffic lights, William Ghiglieri, who patented them in 1917.
• The automobile industry.
• Every human being on Earth—including people who don’t drive (i.e. pedestrians).

With uncommon chaos on the roads (normally a structured, organised, and calm experience for any citizen), we must act to stop these bastards!

Their immaturity! Their gloating in the face of human achievements!

No, it’s not getting to us. We’re not at all upset or triggered by this! It’s about defending our honour and we’re ready and willing to begin intergalactic nuclear war with an unknown alien species to slake our anger surrounding this matter!

Type of Aliens

BASTARDS! That’s what they are. Look at them… all purple and fluffy. Stupid morons! And their choice of traffic light colours is positively barbaric! Behold:

• Green
• Yellow
• Blue!

BLUE! What level of unnatural stupidity is this!? Whom, in their right mind, would use blue as an extreme halting and movement cessation option?! Preposterous!

We put it to these aliens they’re nincompoops and no claim of libel or defamation will assuage us. We’re in the right here.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Off the charts—the magnitude of this threat has never been seen before throughout human history.

Recently, the 50th anniversary of the 1972 Great Daylight Fireball had us thinking an asteroid was of considerable concern.

No. That is nothing compared to a glib species of aliens going about sanctimoniously vandalising our planet’s highly effective traffic light system.

Again, we must reiterate the only natural response here is to commence nuclear war in retaliation. There is no other possible solution we can think of.

Alien Abduction Experience

Nightmarish. Whilst traffic lights aren’t sentient beings and don’t have any real clue what’s happening to them, the PTSD inflicted on humanity will know no bounds.

Think about it.

Say there’s 91 year old Gerald in Bolton of Greater Manchester. He wants to go to the shop to buy a pint of milk and a litre of gin. What, instead, does he have to face?

Bedlam. No traffic lights. Nothing! Just disorder and road users confused, dazed, and out of control.

Gerald returns home without his milk and decides to eat his Weetabix without any milk. It’s so dry and disgusting he becomes dehydrated and has to drink some water instead of his pre-planned gin.

This upsets Gerald and also affects the Gordon’s Gin brand, who miss out on a sale and probably have to sack an employee in long-term budget cuts.

Insidious. That’s what the alien threat is to Earth’s inhabitants. And we shall not let these odious heathens stop people from getting drunk and unruly on gin!

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

Bombs. We need lots of them. And they need aiming at those alien spaceships currently lingering in the gap between the Moon and Earth. Gun them down!

Then we need a mass global movement to restore traffic lights.

It’ll require the type of global cooperation never seen before on this scale. But it’s doable. “HOW?!” You scream. Unity. Harmony. Humans are superb at coming together at times of strife and working together without any sense of lingering bigotry and/or malice.

We must channel that special skill to wipe out these disgusting fluffy gits.

Who even has purple fur, anyway? These garish little morons aren’t ruining Earth’s free-flowing traffic in the name of petty prejudices. WHO’S WITH US!?