Alien Abduction Diary #18: Slobbering Monsters Seek Doilies

Doily Aliens invasion from space!

More disturbing news from the world of alien abductions! This time, it appears a species of aliens has travelled across the Universe to steal the Earth’s supply of doilies.

The doily loving aliens clearly have no concept of ownership, personal property, or theft, as they expect to just take the doilies from us—with no consequences!

Professional Moron is on the case. We’ve investigated and have a plan of action to protect the Earth’s crucial supply of ornamental mats.

The Alien Abductees: Doilies

Across the world (a term known as “worldwide”), doily makers, sellers, and enthusiasts have noted a species of green aliens with one eyeball each are cropping up to steal doilies en masse.

For example, horrified onlookers in Bolton of Greater Manchester looked on in horror as 133 of the aliens (known as “Bloody bastards” by the locals) stole a shipment of 10,000 doilies arriving into the large town.

The consternation this has caused is considerable. We spoke to a local business owner, John Smithson, whose shop Doilies “R” Us was raided last week. He told us:

“The consternation was considerable. Them bloody bastards came here all honking and whooping and screeching about doilies. I says to them, ‘You can have doilies, you lot, but you got to be a paying customer to get them! Form an orderly line, please.’

They did not form an orderly line! They flipped a bloody lid and went bananas, turning my story upside down and stealing all me bloody doilies. It’s a disaster! My shop only sells doilies, that’s one hundred percent of me income down the drain!”

Mr. Smithson is literal about his store—the aliens turned it upside down. Ripped it out of its foundations and rested it over on its roof.

The fire brigade tried to get it back to normal, but the building rolled over and smashed to bits a popular local chippy. The incident has been named one of the most devastating days in Bolton town’s lauded history.

Type of Aliens

The bloody bastards are four feet in height and about three feet in girth. They communicate through an unknown language, although they do know one word in English. That is:


They’ve also learned every single translation of doily into all 7,100 of human society’s various global languages.

After alighting in Bolton of Greater Manchester, the locals noted the aliens were agitated and frustrated. Local police traced this back to an incident in Pitcairn Island in the Pacific Ocean. The aliens had arrived, only to find no doilies.

They then travelled to Papua New Guinea and struggled to communicate their doily desires to locals, leading to further frustrations.

It’s believed this is what caused them to lose it a bit when they arrived in Bolton. But at least they got some doilies this time.

Alien Threat Level Rating

Cataclysmic for the Earth’s doily population. Unless we act now to stop this threat, we may well have no doilies left before the end of 2022.

That would be a disaster. What then? Doily alternatives are few and far between, people would be left using their bathroom towels and the like as a replacement.

It doesn’t bear thinking about.

The only possibly response to this threat is all-out nuclear war. The bloody bastards have their ship in orbit around the Earth. Blast it to smithereens with several hundred atom bombs to end this threat right here, right now. Effin’ A.

However, this plan was unanimously rejected by Bolton Council, primarily as the council doesn’t have access to an arsenal of nuclear weapons.

Alien Abduction Experience

Citizens of Earth are outraged and the doily population is under threat. The experience is highly negative—a 0 out of 5 kind of score on TripAdvisor. That poor.

A strongly worded letter has been forwarded to the aliens as a cease and desist statement, although it’s unclear if they’ll:

  1. Understand the message.
  2. Pay any attention to it.

We must presume it’ll be a mixture of #1 and #2. As such, an emergency doily plan must be delivered to save humanity at this dire time.

Emergency Doily Plan

The plan is to ensure there are enough doily alternatives available to anyone who needs them. Our recommendations for other types of decorative cloths include:

  • Bathroom towels
  • Shower mats
  • The old rug from downstairs
  • Tea towels
  • Handkerchiefs
  • Planks of wood
  • Sheets of paper
  • Tissues (used or otherwise)
  • Bog paper (not used)

As for bathroom towels, that includes the foul stinking towels husbands have. In a time of crisis, we must all contribute in one way or another.

Also, to note, bog roll is a last resort. And it’s highly advised the public doesn’t use old bog paper that’s covered in effluence. It’ll spread illness and be a bit unpleasant, as opposed to the many delights doilies instil on our lives.

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

The aliens must cease and desist! The only way to do this is through:

  1. Nuclear war
  2. Giving them enough doilies to slake their need for them

We wholeheartedly endorse nuclear war to the solution to this crisis. Otherwise, #2 is a massive cop out and makes Earth look like a sissy.

We shan’t kowtow to these bloody bastards! And if it means the total obliteration of the planet in the name of pointless warfare over something totally irrelevant, so be it.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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